Depression: Handling Ups and Downs in Marriage and other relationships

@gznqk5- Good morning and welcome to Mayo Connect. I know that care taking and person with memory.problems can be very frustrating. My mom had Parkinson's Disease with memory problems. It sounds as if you have a great place to live that serves both of your needs. This is just fantastic, although I know that no life is ideal, especially with an ill partner.
I absolutely had to get away from my mom, at least once or twice a day. And it mad a world of difference. Thank you for coming aboard and sharing your story. You might also be interested in joining the Brain and nervous symptom group. https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/brain-and-nerve-diseases/ @lisalucier is the moderator for that group and is excellent.
How are you doing, despite all of your activities?

I feel this topic is very relevant. Having been married for 64 years and have a husband of 89 years, I know there are a lot of issues that can be discussed to help others deal with the change in the relationship with a spouse Alzheimer's does not give you any instructions on how to deal with mood changes and personality changes of the one you have loved and lived with for so long. We all need a space too vent.

This privacy issue is going too far. If you don't like the topic, just delete. The person sending the message is just needing to vent and know that others out there are experiencing some of the same issues. As for names, do you realize how many people in the US and world may have the same name as you?? As a genealogist, I have found it happen many times and they are not necessarily related. There are no locations named unless the correspondent includes that so don't worry. Just don't visit the list if you feel uncomfortable.

Thank you for asking, Merry. Like most, I have good & bad days. Some days, we laugh & work together around the house. On "bad" days, my patience & understanding run thin. We may be a couple who must live w/ALZ for 20 yrs (he's in great shape, physically); what a prison sentence! I must remind myself of all the good times we've had & be grateful he is still with me. Caregivers often die before their ill, loved ones. I pray that does not happen, as he then would be placed in a memory care facility with my younger sister as his guardian (we have no children & he has no immediate family members). She is a sweetheart but does not deserve that responsibility. 'Best to live in the present.

HELLO SANDY, I HAVE ADHESIVE ARACHNOIDITIS, A CRONIC, DEBILITATING PAIN THATS CAUSES LIMITED NORMAL EVERYDAY LIFE. I CAN UNDERSTAND ALL THE EMOTIONAL PAIN VERY WELL. AT THE SAME TIME MEDICAL SIDE. I TOO HAVE SO MUCH GUILT. I TYTO MAKE IT UP TO HIM BUT I DON'T THINK IT MEANS ANYTHING TO HIM? HE IS NOT ONE FOR EMPATHY, DOES NOT SEE HOW I'M LIMPING NOW. HE DOES NOT NOTICE ANYTHING. I WALK BY MYSELF IF WE GO OUT OR AHEAD OF ME NEVER TO THINK I MAY FALL OR JUST BEING THOUGHTFUL. IT'S JUST NOT THERE. ONE THING I WILL HOLD ON TO FOR AS LONG AS I CAN IS MY DIGNITY. SOCIAL WORKER FROM THE VISITING NURSE AND I TALKED ABOUT THAT. SHE MADE ME FEEL BETTER. I SEE A PSY. WHO SPOKE WITH HIM TO NO AVAIL. DO YOU HAVE FAMILY? PETS? I HAVE 2 DOGS, 2 CATS WHO ARE NEAR ME ALL THE TIME. THEY ARE MY LIFE. I CAN'T DRIVE ANYMORE. I APPRECIATE HE HASN'T LEFT ME. YOU MENTION YOU WISH OUR SPOUSES WOULD REALLY KNOW THE PAIN WELL MY SPOUSE SAID TO ME "I CAN'T FEEL YOUR PAIN" I ASKED, CAN'T YOU SEE IT ESPECIALLY WHEN I CAN'T SIT STILL? NO! I CAN PUT MYSELF IN ANOTHER PERSONS SHOES. THANK YOU FOR SHARING!

Thought it might be good to check in with some of you who have talked about medical problems and how they can affect your marriage or other relationships.

@sandij - how are things going with your husband and some of the ups and downs you experienced while tapering off some of your medications?

@kimspr3 - you talked about your husband not seeming to notice your limping or some of the pain you were experiencing with your adhesive arachnoiditis. Have you found your husband noting any of that lately?

@rmftucker - you mentioned the potential of sharing in this conversation to help others deal with the change in the relationship with a spouse's Alzheimer's. Sounds like you've been through a lot of changes like this. Do you have some suggestions for others of what has helped you?

Thank Your asking, there is no change. I'm starting to give up. Wonder how he feels because I'm not the same person I used to be.

@kimspr3 - I'm sorry to hear that there is no change in your husband noticing your limping, pain and difficulties from the adhesive arachnoiditis. I can imagine this causes emotional pain for you and is heartbreaking to not feel like your husband understands or is empathic with your pain, or is reaching out with thoughtfulness.

Sounds as though you have made some good decisions in self-care by having your psychiatrist talk with him about this and also talking to the social worker from the visiting nurse about maintaining your dignity.

Hoping that @merpreb @windwalker @artscaping and others will have some input for you, especially as you are starting to give up that things will turn around with him.

You talked about wondering how your husband feels, as you are not the same person you used to be. Wondering if you are considering having a serious conversation with him soon to ask him more about how he feels?

@lisalucier-My wife & I have been married 43 years and we've known from the beginning that we were in many ways polar opposites. I've for the most part have viewed that as part of our strength. About 18 years ago while on vacation with our children my wife began suffering from what we learned a year later was Crohn's. There have been many ups & downs throughout those years, but once she was given Remicade, things really settled down. As we've aged there have been new dimensions to her illness that have me concerned and it seems she has been for the most part in denial of much of this.
We somewhat haved reversed roles that are a typical of a couple in that I tend to be the one that that has all the feelings and wants to talk things out and my wife feels I'm over reacting and there is no real problem. We always went to each others Dr. appts., but now she would rather me not come.
I see things happening to her and she does not to the point that she denies it. My kids on visits have seen the same things and have also tried to say something, but those conversations do not go anywhere. When I had my heart attack in May of 14 she was wonderful & caring and although very serious having a single stent placed in my LAD was enough and I fully recovered and regained much of my strength & vigor. I'm 5 years (67) older than my wife and she has slowed down quite a bit. Our sex life has suffered quite a bit and I have suggested that we see a Dr. together and even consider some counseling but she is not really interested in persueing that at all. I know we both love each other dearly, but our relationship has stalled.
I'm committed to our relationship and I believe my wife is as well. Life goes on and I'm hoping for a breathrough. I trust God and continue caring & loving this beautiful person that He brought into my life hoping things will change. Never give up and remain thankful. Jim@thankful

@thankful Your frankness is insightful. I appreciate your thoughtful response. We never know how a partner may react to a medical condition, what their commitment may be to making things "right". Counseling can often prove very helpful. I would encourage this for couples, but if there is any resistance or denial of need for it, please go yourself. You deserve to explore all avenues to keep the relationship steady.
Ginger

@gingerw- Thank you for your kind & supportive words! Jim@thankful