Oh honey, please don’t feel alone. I think there is a private message feature here somewhere and feel free to message me anytime. I understand completely, I really do—that feeling of wanting them to come be with you of their own volition. It’s awful. There’s something about the vulnerability of healing that simply strips us to our barest selves, and when we’ve done this with someone we’ve given our heart to, it’s such a fragile thing. There are no words for it. Or nearly none.

While I was under (coma, delirium, what have you), Hubby put headphones on my ears and played audiobooks for me. My mind did all manner of bizarre things with that, and then once I was ‘woken up,’ it took me several days to come to but I experienced delirium in the meantime and thus had all kinds of hallucinations, some of which were auditory. Now, while I’m doing housework or even lying down trying to rest or practicing my strength training, I’ll hear a voice or something that I know is either from an audiobook I heard, or some of the music that was played for me, and every now and then I’ll hear the ventilator. That’s the worst. That’s the sound that gives me the worst of the nightmares.

I’m so sorry this lead to separation for you. I’d love to talk to you more. It sounds like our experiences were at least somewhat similar. How are you sleeping right now? How long ago was your surgery?