@catmom777 and @grandmar Your exchanges have caught my eye regarding life not going in the direction you intended or expected. I went through the stages of grief after a death and realized that those same steps were occurring for me over the health issues of my baby and myself. That gave me a place to start, so I started working the grief recovery steps of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Acceptance was really tough for me to get to, but so beneficial for me and essential for the quality of life that I want for my child and myself. My grief journeys did not progress at the same rate in both situations.
That first step of Denial didn't last long with my son because things happened that had to be taken care of and there was no way to deny that the health needs were really there. For me it was easier to fight for my child than for myself, and that got my grief journey for my child's health moving. I ignored all but the most essential requirements for myself until someone pointed out that if I did not take care of myself I would not be able to take care of my child. That got me going for myself. I moved through Anger pretty quickly, But got stuck in Bargaining for a while for my child, to busy to bother bargaining for myself. I remember dealing with God while following and ambulance 100 miles to a bigger hospital with a neonatal unit. First I asked that God let my child still be alive when I get there, then realized that might be harder than walking into the finality of death. Then I was confused so I asked God to do what was best, but please, if he was not going to take my child on this trip, please give some relief to the constant stress until my child reached at least 18. God answered that prayer with life that night, and that child has been living a reasonably stable life for over 40 years. Depression held me up for a long while until after there was some easing of constant needs for my child, better attention to my own needs and other life successes. I became driven to manage, control and advance myself and my family as much as possible. When I finally was starting to break from the life and self-imposed stress (and I was premenopausal) I got started on an antidepressant which benefitted all areas of my life. After some relief from depression I was finally able to find my form of Acceptance. It is not a one and done for me. It fluctuates with each new or renewed health issue, but it is easier now to get back to Acceptance than it was to get there the first time. I know how to find new paths better now.
That is my story and I am sorry to be so wordy. If you want to use any of my path you are welcome to it. It was free to me and I share it freely. You remain in my prayers as your journey continues. Blessings.