I don't know how to get to the end of all the posts I've had, so I've just put it here. I hope that's OK. I guess the end is near for this pandemic ..... or at least within the next 9 months or so. Those poor nurses and doctors, the people who set up tents, and everyone involved, should definitely get something very special, whether it's in the form of money, a long vacation, whatever .... I'm sure a lot of them need therapy.
The passed several months have been hell for me ..... I feel like the depression is just swallowing me up ..... it's always one thing after another, ever since I got divorced (I won't go into that now .... it's in here somewhere). I've been living in a low-income apartment, pretty much secluding myself which is typical even in the best of times. I am changing churches so I think I'll have some friends there. Anyhow, I've been here in this apartment for about 2-1/2 years, and now my rent has gone up. I simply cannot pay it, so that means moving. It has gone up by $60, which I know for most people isn't much, but for me, I live on my S.S. and my son who is generous enough to send me money at the beginning of each month, or I wouldn't make it. All of my S.S. goes to my rent now, and it wouldn't be enough with the increase. So, I'm going to have to move to what I call "the old ladies' building" .....(my son says, sort of jokingly, "well Mom what do you think you are?"). They're part of this development and nice, but small. But, I can pay the rent, thankfully. I've put my name on the waiting list for a first floor, 2 bedroom apt.. I could take a 1 bedroom also, but then I couldn't have a girlfriend come down from MD.
I guess we've all had difficult emotions during this pandemic time ..... I guess for me, it's probably about the same as for you all. But, my depression and anxiety have gone wild. It's mostly the depression .... I've actually pictured myself ending everything, but I don't have the guts. I hate living like this and yet I'm afraid to die - all this from a born-again Christian. I've tried to find a job - part-time, but when they see my age, there's some excuse .... I'm 75 and in good health and don't look nearly my age - that's genetic from my Dad. 90% of the jobs are posted on line, on Indeed, Glassdoor or one of those. Then you fill out their form (no interview at that point) and they decide from that - that's where the age comes in. You're out.
I have a Psychiatrist down here for meds., but he doesn't do therapy and believe it or not, there's not a Psychologist down here that does. I have so often wanted to get in the car and go to see my therapist in Frederick, MD. He helped me through an awful lot during 13 years. I have an appointment with him on Friday, via telephone, but it's not the same. He wants to do a video thing, but I can't do that ..... I don't like how I look - ever. I told him that.
I'm sorry, I'm just babbling, but I just feel awful. It's like back several years ago, I felt like I was sitting in a deep dark dirt hole, covered in a cold wet blanket, calling out to people, people would stop, look, and go on their way.
Thanks for listening,
abby