Help finding a positive attitude

Some of that positive attitude stuff we hear as cancer patients really pisses me off. Many people use the belief that a “positive attitude makes all the difference in the world” to stifle some really dark horrible terrifying feelings. I think we need the space to feel whatever we feel and to express those feelings and to be heard by friends and family as scary as that may be for them. Here is a post I just shared on Facebook with my friends and family. I have been very open and honest about my personal experience in the hopes that I can educate others about what it means to really be there for us as we go through this. Perhaps you might find some hope in these words. I, too, went to a very dark place during my first chemo drug. It really changed my brain chemistry.

Almost one year to the day of my surgery I have finally experienced a few moments of genuine happiness. A few moments of not being terrified for my life and my kids in every waking moment. A few nights of only waking once or twice in full on panic. A few moments of not being consumed by fear of hidden cancer cells and recurrence and a shortened life of pain and suffering.

To all those in the “club” who assured me that it would get a little easier with each passing year, I thank you! I have held onto that hope so tightly to get me here. Although my treatment will continue for many more years, I am hopeful that the worst of it is behind me.

To others who are just starting on this horrible, terrifying, painful journey I offer you this post as hope that the fear that may now consume your every moment will ease-no matter how impossible that feels right now. The journey, whatever path you choose, will be worth it. You are worth it. I am worth it. Our surgical scars, our chemo wrinkles, our radiation tattoos and discoloration map our journey and showcase our strength.

Perhaps in our lifetime there will be a cure or a full understanding of what causes this disease and a global commitment to eradicate the causes. Until then we make the choices that are best for us and count on love and support to buoy us up through the real shit parts. Thanks to everyone who has offered me support this past year. I couldn’t have done it without you.

Good morning to you all. I too have been fighting depression and fear. Sometimes you feel so alone. I'm so glad I found this forum. I live in a very isolated area of our province so haven't access to groups or councillors si it helps to read that others feel the fear same as me. I'm trying so hard to be positive but it's so so hard. Hang in there everyone. I will try to practice what I preach.

I had triple negative stage 2 in the left breast and ER positive in the right breast. The ER positive did not show in a mammogram, but was detected when they did an MRI before surgery. I had 4 rounds of AC as well, followed by 12 weeks of taxol. The taxol was not as difficult as the AC. Since I showed positive for BRCA 1 and 2, I had bilateral mastectomy, as well as a hysterectomy. I am now on anastrozole (lovely side effects). I’m a little perplexed as to why I did not have radiation or any scans (another question for my oncologist I guess)....anyhow, in October, it will be 5 years since I was declared cancer-free! Woohoo!! Each time I had treatment, I kept telling myself that this is just an “interruption” in life and i’m one step closer to finishing treatment. Praying for all who travel this road!

Thank you I hope so too. And so happy you did so well.

A "positive attitude" can't be mandated from without. It can only come from within. I love the philosopher Victor Frankel, who was in a concentration camp. He believed that the one thing no one can take away from you is your own approach. Cancer and all ill health is a kind of suffering--like any problem such as divorce, widowhood, family issues, financial stress, frail aging, etc. etc. I am only 6 months into a cancer diagnosis--and have been told my prognosis is poor. I can't change any of that by a falsely positive "attitude." However, I can aim to have a very nice day, which might be a pleasant week, a good month, a fine year. Creativity is a wonderful support. Writing a diary, drawing, dancing--all of it helps. Of course friends and family are there not just for "support" but for intimacy and friendliness. Try walking in nature. I personally find talk therapy helpful, and all spiritual approaches, from meditation to prayer. But try to find your own path. I know folks who really benefit from gardening or knitting--or doing things for others (a capacity we don't lose). I've been disabled my entire adult life--so have a skill set around appreciating small things. A sick person and even a dying person can have a lot of joy. My main approach is to welcome those good moments and build on them.

Yes, that positive attitude is sometimes very hard to find. Even though you know it’s a good attitude that is going to carry you through the worst of cancer treatment. I found the following post on a Facebook page, and copied it for my own reference. I’m sharing it here, hoping it can help each of us who just wants understanding from those around us.. I think it says a lot about the need for the emotional side and fear going through this dreaded disease. I like the comment that there needs to be a time to “grieve”.

“I was very fortunate to have been diagnosed early. But still, it is challenging to feel ‘whole’ again. What many people overlook is the emotional trauma that goes along with diagnosis. I was lucky to have the support at the Huntsman Institute for the emotional side of cancer also. My body has now been declared ’cancer free’ following treatment, but my emotions are still sometimes very raw.

It has been reported that after a chemo treatment, it can take years until you feel alive again ... with the side effects of chemotherapy and/or radiation you will never be 100% because your immune system has been weakened.

Certainly, in the most difficult moment of life you realize who your real family and friends are, or the people who truly appreciate and love you. They allow you the time and space to ‘grieve’ the health, happiness, and security, you once had-and likely will never have again. These are the people who do not take you for granted, or make light of the emotional trauma you experience by their self centered demands of you. As a cancer patient you know they don’t mean to be selfish, their behaviors and demands are your clue that they just do not understand-even those they truly believe they do.

Cancer is a very aggressive and destructive enemy of our bodies. Even after cessation of treatment, the body remains broken, even in an attempt to repair the damage caused by the treatment to combat the disease. It is a very long process.

Don’t overlook the trauma of the emotions cancer patients go through during their long journey, and the likelyhood that life changed drastically for them with no ability to go back to the security they once felt.”