@iwishiwasanon I can so relate to how you are feeling. The ups and downs are very uncomfortable. @gailb has offered some suggestions. This is a supportive community with kindness. I also have PTSD and oft want the fears to go away. When the fears subside I too wonder how I could have felt so desperate.
I do better writing than speaking face to face about how I feel. It seems foolish to have some of the feelings I have and telling someone face to face seems weak-many of us understand. Try not to berate yourself for how you feel.
Curious...how did you happen across the connect community if you wish to share.