Facing Cancer Recurrence, PTSD & Acknowledging Mental Health

Hi. Gulp. I should be happy — wonderful wife who has taken care of me through 3 surgeries, held my hand through 11 months of every 3 week infusions, takes care of our beautiful home, and I was able to retire early (7/31). Received a clear PET scan in June and feeling well enough to road trip again. Our driveway is 10 minutes from the Mayo parking ramp. Hair is growing back from chemo treatments, little more gray, a little curlier. Large community of friends that have stayed with me through the 1 year journey. Good health insurance, and able to pay COBRA for both of us until Medicare.

But.. I am pissed and mad and cry every time I think of what my life was suppose to look like. Saved for retirement for 30 years, moved to an encore career to slowly move into retirement, looked at snow birding to a pickleball community, loved traveling in our convertible, boating, golfing, gardening, being outside. I was healthy, active, and ate right. Last time I was in a hospital was to deliver my 29 yo son. Used a tanning bed twice, in my 30’s. Did the usual tanning with baby oil in my teens.

It is not fair!! Is this PTSD?

Metastatic Melanoma wild type
Diagnosed 9\18
59 yo
Procedures: Mastectomy, lung VATS, lung cryoablation
Received my 1st clear PET in June after moving to a second line treatment of Chemo+Pembro
Next scan: 9/10

Hi. Gulp. I should be happy — wonderful wife who has taken care of me through 3 surgeries, held my hand through 11 months of every 3 week infusions, takes care of our beautiful home, and I was able to retire early (7/31). Received a clear PET scan in June and feeling well enough to road trip again. Our driveway is 10 minutes from the Mayo parking ramp. Hair is growing back from chemo treatments, little more gray, a little curlier. Large community of friends that have stayed with me through the 1 year journey. Good health insurance, and able to pay COBRA for both of us until Medicare.

But.. I am pissed and mad and cry every time I think of what my life was suppose to look like. Saved for retirement for 30 years, moved to an encore career to slowly move into retirement, looked at snow birding to a pickleball community, loved traveling in our convertible, boating, golfing, gardening, being outside. I was healthy, active, and ate right. Last time I was in a hospital was to deliver my 29 yo son. Used a tanning bed twice, in my 30’s. Did the usual tanning with baby oil in my teens.

It is not fair!! Is this PTSD?

Metastatic Melanoma wild type
Diagnosed 9\18
59 yo
Procedures: Mastectomy, lung VATS, lung cryoablation
Received my 1st clear PET in June after moving to a second line treatment of Chemo+Pembro
Next scan: 9/10

Hi. Gulp. I should be happy — wonderful wife who has taken care of me through 3 surgeries, held my hand through 11 months of every 3 week infusions, takes care of our beautiful home, and I was able to retire early (7/31). Received a clear PET scan in June and feeling well enough to road trip again. Our driveway is 10 minutes from the Mayo parking ramp. Hair is growing back from chemo treatments, little more gray, a little curlier. Large community of friends that have stayed with me through the 1 year journey. Good health insurance, and able to pay COBRA for both of us until Medicare.

But.. I am pissed and mad and cry every time I think of what my life was suppose to look like. Saved for retirement for 30 years, moved to an encore career to slowly move into retirement, looked at snow birding to a pickleball community, loved traveling in our convertible, boating, golfing, gardening, being outside. I was healthy, active, and ate right. Last time I was in a hospital was to deliver my 29 yo son. Used a tanning bed twice, in my 30’s. Did the usual tanning with baby oil in my teens.

It is not fair!! Is this PTSD?

Metastatic Melanoma wild type
Diagnosed 9\18
59 yo
Procedures: Mastectomy, lung VATS, lung cryoablation
Received my 1st clear PET in June after moving to a second line treatment of Chemo+Pembro
Next scan: 9/10

@bdpp Life has this sneaky way of making us sit up and take notice of things. As we merrily go along, planning things out, it has other ideas and often throws a wrench into the wheel. In 1988 I received my first life-altering diagnosis, and here I am 30+ years later, still here. I refused to let it kick me in the teeth, let it have the upper hand. And that is how I dealt with with subsequent health situations in 1997, 2004, 2005, 2015, 2017. I grieved for the things I realistically knew would not be possible, then created a work-around. A new reality, a new look at options. I hope you can reread your post and see the positives you spoke of, how the gratitude for those things shine!
Ginger

@bdpp Life has this sneaky way of making us sit up and take notice of things. As we merrily go along, planning things out, it has other ideas and often throws a wrench into the wheel. In 1988 I received my first life-altering diagnosis, and here I am 30+ years later, still here. I refused to let it kick me in the teeth, let it have the upper hand. And that is how I dealt with with subsequent health situations in 1997, 2004, 2005, 2015, 2017. I grieved for the things I realistically knew would not be possible, then created a work-around. A new reality, a new look at options. I hope you can reread your post and see the positives you spoke of, how the gratitude for those things shine!
Ginger

Hi @bdpp I an so sorry to read of your health situation. It's never easy to travel these journeys in life that's for sure. When anyone of us is diagnosed with cancer our lives change and they change without any consideration for what we had been planning for, or hoping for, in our future. It certainly was the case when my wife was diagnosed with brain cancer at 49. Cancer, like all of life, is simply not fair.

It was good to read you have so many positive things in your life. A wonderful partner, good insurance, the financial security to be able to afford COBRA, which can be a brute for sure, and a community of supportive friends. While it is not easy, sometimes we need to force ourselves to look at those good things in life versus the bad or those things we have lost. As I said, easy to say, but never an easy task.

During the very worst of the months of my wife's disease we came to relish the fact, when we woke up, that we simply had another day together. That was our greatest gift and we trained ourselves to not look past that.

Wishing you continued strength, courage, and peace.

@bdpp- Oh my word life just doesn't give us what we expect or want a lot of the time. I'm a lung cancer survivor of 22+ years and every time I get another lesion I feel this way too. PTSD is so different for everyone. I'll attach my blog post about mine. PTSD is a lot of depression and anger. I'm so so happy that your PET scan came back clean and that you want to get going. Your anger and tears might just be a delayed reaction to your last cancer. I've had 2 surgeries and after the last one I became more and more depressed and eventually house bound from depression. So go get on the road and have fun now, style your new hair in a spunky style and go for it! I firmly believe that being active can be more beneficial than anything. So when do you hit the road?
https://my20yearscancer.com/ptsd-lung-cancer/
https://my20yearscancer.com/climbing-out-of-post-traumatic-stress-disorder/

I am experiencing all the emotions that everyone here is experiencing... I have Stage 4 inoperable lung cancer... I try to hide the emotions and read this little thing I put together below, part came from I book I read:

If I let cancer make me bitter or angry, then I would of spent the last days of my life in sorrow and isolation; making a living hell for my loved ones, and be remembered if at all, a bitter old woman who let cancer defeat her.

I would receive their temporary show of sympathy, but in the end they would only have contempt for me and how I left them;

On the other hand:

If I were positive and hopeful, it wouldn't change the day of my death a bit, but, it would mean that I would spend the last days of my life breathing deeply, clearly, contented and blissful, and in love with my family and everyone I met...
I would die a happy woman and be remembered as that brave soul who faced a terrible death with courage, fortitude and aplomb.
I would be cherished by those who knew me.

Why waste months of my life wailing about an end that wasn't even near?

Amen...beautiful. This is the day the Lord has made, rejoice and be glad in it:)