@rsj
This is absolutely heartbreaking my dear friend. It just is so mind boggling that the government has so fouled up the ability of people like you to get what they know they need just to continue to have a somewhat tolerable life. I do not begin to judge you for any actions you take. I just find it so sad that it has come to this for you when there is no need for it. I see the reason for your tragedy as well as others as being due to the shear ignorance of people. This whole drug war thing has got to be dismantled and refigured out. Too many good people like you are having their lives ruined over it. Best, Hank

I am still trying to find a doctor in your area who can help with the pain pump and the refilling of it.

@rsj How are you doing tonight? Do you have a caseworker you can contact about getting help in figuring out your pain situation?

How can I help?
Ginger

@rsj You are beyond tired and you, "just go home to be with my Lord."

I'm wondering if you would call for help before you enacted these plans? Do you feel you can keep yourself safe right now?

You mentioned having issues with not being able to get ahold of your methadone provider. It sounds like you need an advocate. I'm wondering if you have a disability social worker that could help you obtain needed medical care?

Hi rjs, I'm sorry to report that my doctor knows no one in your area doing the pump. He did say that is not uncommon for doctors who put them in to not be the ones to service them.

I would encourage you to keep looking. This is a fairly common procedure that's been around a while. My path started by being accepted into a Pain Management Clinic at the U of MN. At the time I had cancer but that wasn't what brought me there. I had been in more and more pain for about 20 years and I needed large doses of pain meds to function.

There was a process. I had to see a Psychiatrist as well as a Palliative Care specialist before I was accepted. I know they were looking to see if I was suicidal as they were going to give me large amounts of drugs. They also wanted to know if depression was going to be an issue as it is often a comorbid factor with prolonged pain and if I hadn't been willing to acknowledge and treat it that would have also been a red flag. They also wanted to know about my history with PT and other non-drug therapies. They want to be sure that you are willing to do everything you can to participate in your own treatment and of course they want to weed out folks who just want to get high. That wasn't me and I'm sure it's not you either. Developing and keeping a positive outlook is essential in most health matters and doubly so with issues around pain. The "placebo effect" of one's own attitude is not to be ignored. I am also a Qigong healer and have been for some time and I know just how much control over our health we have via our brains. I would never have been such a fool as to try to heal my own cancer with Qigong but I am also quite sure I am alive today because of it. By the time I had my surgery after chemo and radiation, my tumor was no longer malignant. None of the surgeons at the Breast Center at the U of MN had ever seen that happen before and were quite amazed. My Oncologist had only heard of one such case in his long career and he too, was amazed., But forgive if I digress.

I also considered letting my cancer give me aa easy way out of my pain situation without actively ending my life but I couldn't do that to my family or myself. No matter how bad it gets, living beats the hell out of dying. When I start to slip on the attitude I know it is time to get back to dealing with my depression which I believe too many pain patients don't want to fathom, might be part of their predicament. It's a disease, it's treatable in almost all cases just like most disease.

Keep on looking. You will find the help you need. Life is precious and this is our only shot as far as we know. I don't know what happens after this but I imagine it's somewhat like things were before I was born. I hope and believe that Jesus is my Saviour but I'm in no hurry to confirm that. For the mean time Jesus is a wonderful role model and I'm sure he wants you to live on. Love and Blessings