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Thank you all for the kind thoughts and interest in my situation. I am still employed full time and I guess need to be so for the next 3 or 4 years. Retirement is not really an option because I need the health care coverage I have through work. I have tried PT before several times. Each time, I didn't see a lot of change, plus I could not afford to invest the time away from the office very often. Appointments are available late in the evening, but I am completely wiped out by then. Early mornings sometimes work, but it is all I can do to drag out of bed and get to work on time. I found myself getting so frustrated and stressed about being away from the office -- and it always being noticed and pointed out -- that I gave up on PT several times. I do fight the "demons of depression" regularly, and fight hard to stay above the clouds and doing life in VFR conditions. Often I do wander into IMC, at which time it becomes difficult to figure out life -- even to know which way is up. I once had a very strong faith that living the right life, doing the right things, and turning the really important issues (fears) over to the care of God was living right. I lived a few years with that peace that passes all understanding, until I lost a freshman in college (son) very unexpectedly to suicide just before the end of his first (and very successful year), entered the world of total chaos associated witht he alcoholism and addiction of another son (going on 17 years now), cleaned up the double-murder scene of some very close relatives who were killed in a senseless home invasion robbery many years ago (now undersand the terminology of "bloody murder"), and the list could go on. I thought I had done things right (at least the best I could) and prayed fervently for the protection of my boys when they went to college only to have bad things happen. That "peace that passes understanding left in May of 2004, and I have not been able to regain it. I just don't know what the point is of life most days any more. The pain associated with it all gets deeper. So, there are not times for hobbies, no time to work on self, until retirement which I don't believe I'ill ever attain since it is a few years away and I have passed over into the realm of overwhelming physical, mental, and spiritual pain.
Replies to "Thank you all for the kind thoughts and interest in my situation. I am still employed..."
@tbaxter33
I'm a Volunteer Mentor with Mayo Connect and not a medical professional. I'm very concerned about the level of pain your body and psyche are in currently. Please don't give up even though you may think you should. Are you seeing a physician or counselor right now? If not, I recommend that you contact your regular physician and get an immediate appointment. If you are in great pain please call a friend to take you to the hospital or call 911. I caught your sense of desperation perhaps and I want to be sure you are OK.
Gailb
Volunteer Mentor
We love you, and do want to help. Try to let us know how we may do so. In which region of the country do you live?
@tkbaxter I feel your pain in your loss please don't think this was your fault when the devil gets a hold of us that person has to acknowledge its from him not God please talk to someone who can help you with this pain .
Just sending you good wishes across the waters from New Zealand. Venting about your pain and frustration here is a release. We are here because we have challenging health issues and although I have little pain I've experienced many of the feelings you are going through. It must be hard to lose your faith but there are also many good psychological strategies that I have used to get through the tough bits. I have a friend who is on a multi-week pain course with the local hospital's pain team and is finding it useful. (Free in NZ).I know this is not going to help you necessarily but I think you need guidance from someone like you family doctor to come up with some sort of plan. You are not alone.
It sounds to me, anyway, that you do not have to worry about going to 'hell', you are living in it right now. If you do not have a notebook may I suggest that you get one as soon as you can. Keep it with you and begin writing every time you have pain, where it is, how long did it last, how would you rate it on the 0-10 scale, and anything else you remember that happened just before you felt the pain. The more you can document your pain, frustration, anger and ..... you will have something to show your doctor. If your insurance says that the doctor you are seeing is the only one you can see, I wish I could tell you what to do. If you feel you need another "Gate Keeper" ask someone you know that has a doctor they like and is willing to see new patients, then you may want to make an appointment with that doctor. Take your notebook with all your notes in it to let this doctor have an idea of the 'hell' you are going through. You, and only you, are your own best advocate. You may have to complain, not too your family or friends, but to your doctor(s). Unfortunately we have doctors who would rather hand out pills than spent time with you to find out what is really going on. It takes less time, and they are so overbooked they do not want to spend the 10 minutes to find out what is going on with you.
It also sounds as if your family has, or still is, going through their own 'hell'. Prayer can help, but we all have to make our own mistakes. It is what we do once we made our own mistakes that can determine the type of person we will become one day. We always think that it is the mothers job to fix everything. I hate to tell you, until you are fixed yourself you are unable to fix anyone else. Your job right now is to get 'you fixed'. If you can listen to some soothing, quiet, gentle music do it. I have some on now, because I understand too well, what you could be experiencing, and if I am unable to quiet my inner self I cannot write anything that will help you quiet your inner self. I hope I have been able to give you some needed help and reassurance that you will be okay. Good luck.
mlmcg
Hello, I have been thinking of you and wanted to send something..... Many things in your story have reminded me of things in my story.
I'm pretty new to the site, have only responded to one other story, am not sure what is "allowed" as far as suggestions, fear saying something that will cause more anxiety to you, or someone else, ( can you tell depression and anxiety are big for me ?! )
I'm a ''senior'' with lots of life experiences.... Lots of "losses," which may be part of living this long...but pain is no fun in whatever form it comes.....physical, mental, spiritual.
When you wrote about loosing "the peace that passes understanding " my heart ached. I have days of severe depression when I can't pray. Luckily the "good" days come again, and I can feel my spiritual life returning. To have to live without the help of a faith, that has sustained me through so much, would be so very hard. I would like to encourage you to seek out help in this area of your life.
The different realms of life, and our taking care of the different areas, can seem overwhelming at times. But, the physical, mental, spiritual, all need attention. Sometimes just a tiny step is better than no step. Right now I am completing week 11 of a commitment to walking. It was recommended to combat the depression that I deal with. Some days I don't want to make the effort. I push myself and am glad that I have.
I have been praying for you, and will continue. Knowing people pray for me is a comfort, especially on the days when I can't pray.
I hope that you have had something to smile about on this 4th. of July......It was a "good" day for me AND I got to write to you, something I've thought a lot about doing, and pray is of some comfort to you.
Take care ~
Good points. Depression and sadness is so common. Some days are good, some awful. Maybe its part of living long. But we must NOT give up. I just 'adopted ' a soldier send letters and supplies toothpaste, shampoo, soap, etc. Also joined a widow/ widowers club... who said life was supposed to be EZ ? I think its meant to challenge us.... Be well
Connect
Do NOT give up as hard as it is. Write here, talk to pals. maybe a sr club, MILD exercise , modified yoga, water exercise is EZ on the body Something must work Hardest part is trying different things to see what works