@gailb Hi Gail:

Yes, I know what you mean. When we are depressed the idea of filling up a page with writing seems like too big of a chore. Small note cards work well, though and help us to see the progress we are making in our thinking! Teresa

@mattie

I'm so sorry to see that you "hate" yourself. I believe that learning to accept all the parts of you and learning to appreciate how those different parts have protected you over the years of abuse you have suffered is a first step. You have posted about the level of emotional abuse you have been through and it has been intense.

One of the most helpful "meditations" I have used while healing my gaping wounds was imagining myself as the 4 year old Gail, in a beautiful swing in a flower filled garden. As a woman approaches me I realize that it's the adult me. Adult Gail sits down next to me, puts her arms around me and tells me gently and sweetly how much she loves me. I stay in this place as long as I need/want to. I am reminded of how much children need love and gentle touching in order to survive. I know now that I can give myself that missing love. I have also pictured in my mind gathering all the "Gails" at different ages around me, reaching out and putting extra long arms around "us" and hugging us all, repeating how much I appreciate these parts of me for helping me survive and eventually thrive in life. I give myself hugs too, just by putting my arms around me.

I have the impression that throughout your life you have smiled through your pain and tried to do what you hoped would allow others to love you. Is this true Mattie? I can relate to that as I tried to be a perfect, good girl but it didn't help. In fact, the more competent I was, the less attention I got from my mother. My sister got all the attention because she had temper tantrums and was a wild child. Now I realize that my sister really needed all the help with her emotions and never really recovered from her outbursts. She has been diagnosed with "borderline personality", with poor prognosis. I learned resilience and self sufficiency, but it took me years to appreciate that these experiences made me grow in positive and different ways.

I hope you can begin to see and appreciate how you have helped yourself survive all you have been through. Go slow. Perhaps use the short notes to write down 1 action a day where you helped yourself as a child, even if it was to "disappear." That is a survival technique for children. See if you can find small ways to love yourself. One way is that you are part of this community, sharing your desire to heal. I send you my love and gentle hugs, along with others from Mayo Connect.

Gail
Volunteer Mentor

Yes. I had a hideout in the field near my home when I was very young. I later would take rides. Read a booik. I was criticized for all. I went to college....they came and got nme said my mother was u[set that I wsas 9playing around in school.....Never in my life. I went back to school in my 30's. Grad top. Husband laughed said just stupid to get a ring or anytjomg/ was never hugged. my kids loved my husband and followed his lead for the most part. I have no one but 1 daughter ..she is a lot like here dad, so is her hubby. I will try the hugging...dont even know how anymore. Always told myself s I'll cry tomorrow" and it worked for years. Just that now I am so tirec.

@mattie, welcome to the group. I had a hideout, too. It was my safe place where I could cry. I miss it. Take care, @cognac

@mattie

Your family did to you what many families do to members who are trying to better themselves. There is something that makes some families work to keep their members down with them. This also perpetuates the poverty cycle. I experienced this phenomenon as well. I was put down with every advance I made in taking care of myself. I always felt like an outsider around my biological family. No one in my family came to my graduation from college with my BSBA, nor my Master's degree. I was accused of being "uppity."

These family members are envious of your success and worry that you are going to "show them up." I know that your intention is to reach your highest potential. I'm happy to read that you returned to college and graduated at the top of your class. You are working now to improve the quality of your life. You can do that! I encourage you to see a counselor and work with talk therapy to have outside feedback as you face your "demons" and fears. I just learned that you can check with any large hospital in your area and ask about geriatric counseling that will be covered by Medicare.

You are taking brave steps in the process of learning to love yourself. At one point, I had to take hugging lessons because for me then, hugging hurt. But that's another post. Thank you for having a "special" hiding place as a child. @cognac, thank you too. Children are good at survival if given half a chance.

Gail
Volunteer Mentor

Dear @mattie, From the little bit that you have written, I can tell that you are a caring individual. You mention each one of your children with a good deal of description. I can almost picture each one, as they are now, and when they were small. I am sorry they are not able to give you more time and attention. I know it is difficult to be in constant pain, especially when it seems at times that family and friends cannot help. You mentioned that it hurts to write, as you have arthritis in your hands. Have you ever tried paraffin treatments? Basically it involves dipping your hands in a warm, not hot, pot of paraffin. It feels so good! Another little trick is to dampen a hand towel and microwave it until toasty warm. Then wrap the towel around your hand and leave it there. Again, the feeling is just lovely. I also use hand braces that you can get at Walgreens. The pressure seems to help me. I also have Carpal Tunnel in both hands. I would not be able to get on the computer if I didn't have a few tricks up my sleeve! I hope that you will continue visiting the Mayo Clinic Connect groups as you seek for improvements in your health. We look forward to "seeing you" here again soon.
Light and love,
Mamacita

thank you so much, I have been so disjointed...mentally.I want relate what happened the last few days. Since my psychiaterist would not help me unless I drove out to see him ( I have macular deg and he is 45 minutes...with tons of construction...I decided to just take my Klonopin and add wellbutrin which my reg gp had given me and I had not taken. I did call psy and told him he didntr care...so I did. A few days later I became so edgy, so mean...I was afraid of my feelings. I screamed at myself, the dogs, wanted to pound the table...I t was horrible to me. I called the druggist and he said ,"It has changed your personality. Stop taking it immediately." I had looked it up on comp but didnt see much until I came to WebMD which listed that as #1 side effect. So just as a precauteion...am telling the story.. Now I am taking jusst Klonopin 2x a day unless I need more which hast happened yet...Bless you.

@mattie Been there. Thankful you called the pharmacy. Sorry you are in a hard place. Some medications can do nasty things. Hope you can find some help and a medication that can be of help.

Great insight as these medications can indeed change your personality as I have personally experienced

@mamacita

Just great words! I would like to emphasize one point that you made,

"I had to forgive her. I forgave her for me. Just me. But after that happened, and this took years, I forgave her for her."

I grew up in a similar situation and I also understand that forgiveness is a necessary process. I call it a process because it is never over. @mattie - you can never forget what happened to you. You can never be perfect in your forgiveness for past wrongs, it is a process of remembering the hurts and consciously deciding to forgive - not because your mother deserves it, but because you deserve to be free from the resentment and hurt.

I have a friend who says that holding onto resentments and hurts is like drinking poison and waiting for your enemy to die.

In other words, resentment hurts you more than it hurts the one that hurt you. Make sense?

It is probably important to work through this process with a counselor. We need support to deal with these kinds of issues. Can you find someone to work with?

Teresa