Dear@Mattie, my mother had a very difficult time being a mother. She had a very hard life. Although she was often verbally and physically abusive to me, I learned that to move on in my healing, I had to forgive her. I forgave her for me. Just me. But after that happened, and this took years, I forgave her for her. She never asked for forgiveness. Her upbringing was so dysfunctional she may never have realized she had done anything wrong. I had trauma as a child, as a teen, as a young adult. My middle aged years were full of issues with my teenaged children that no one wants to talk about. Or even think about. But I have been set free to live my life right now in the middle of joy and peace. I didn't find the best therapists until four or five years ago. I went through a lot of therapists who just weren't. Therapists. What a waste of time. I share my life, I lay it down as an offering, so that others who suffer can find hope. Life can be so good. Never, never give up. Love and hugs, MamacitaJane

also hate myself.

Precious @mattie, I really am sad to hear that. What lies must you have been told for you to feel that way. You were told you weren't good enough, that you were dirty, and you should be ashamed. You were lied to by those who should have wrapped you in their arms and said " I love you to the moon and back." You have great worth and tremendous potential. You are accepted here, and not judged. For every voice that tells you there is hope, there are one hundred more, cheering you on. Never, ever give up. You have no idea what great plans the Universe has in store for you. Please know you count. You matter. Love and hugs, MamacitaJane

Hi @mattie This is a safe place where you can talk about the tough stuff. I’m encouraged that you feel safe and comfortable enough to share your feelings. I want you to know you are not alone as you can see from the responses you’ve received from fellow members.

If at any point you feel like you may wish to hurt yourself or if you just want to talk to someone on the phone, please call Call or text 988, the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline https://988lifeline.org. Your safety is the most important thing to us. We’re here.

@mattie If talking is difficult have you ever tried keeping a journal and writing about your life, experiences and feelings? Teresa

That is indeed a very relevant and valuable suggestion. I am a trained SMART RECOVERY facilitator and one of the key suggestions we give in our group sessions is journaling - it tells yourself when and what trigger anxiety evdnts and can help you much better understand - then if you have anxiety mecication like I do you do not need to take it 2 or 3 times a day my prescription “ take as needed”
- it gives me a personal feeling of control which my neurologist encourage but my former psychiatrist disagreed with - he wanted to keep me on anti depressants the rest of my life ( I am 68 ) and did not like that idea. But many doctors will not agree with this degree of patient power particularly in the US where it is so easy to sue your doctor - well I found the solution that is right for ME - out with the daily anti depressants and only use anti anxiety drugs when needed and I know now when I need to take a low dose Ativan and when my day will be fine with no medication. Good luck
Michael in Bangkok

yes...did it years ago....cant concentrate now and can get depressing.

@mattie You might try very small notes of journaling. Take a small index card and write a few sentences to yourself, your parents, etc. and just drop it in a shoe box. After a few months, take out the cards and see how you have changed in your writings. It might be very helpful. I wish you well.

Teresa

Mamacita you are so right. Never have been huggedlike that always my fault and still is, no matter what. I say it to myself...make a mess, it is my fault...and so it is. I have kids...one doesnt bother with me...he lives close. Never see him or ...his . Another out of state and wouldnt help ...self cenetered. Another get angry all the time. she is under much stress and doesst know how bad i am...sorry cant type fingers arthritic.

@hopeful33250

What a great idea to use short notes and save them for review! Every once in a while I come across an old journal of mine and read it. I'm always amazed at how far I've come through the years. It's a very valuable process and allows for self reflection. Thanks.

Gail
Volunteer Mentor