Thank you for the support Gail. I went through child abuse for eight years. It was difficult enough because the new woman in the house I was supposed to treat as my mother would invalidate my feelings and there were several instances of physical abuse. I have scars on my forearm from manicured nails and I can always hear the screams and curses of them in my head. I feel that my head is a very violent place sometimes. I mainly went through verbal and physical abuse, and because of always having to walk on eggshells as not to anger anyone, I am always nervous about nearly everything I do. I always feel that I am being watched, and I am so used to people being mad at me that I am hyper sensitive to people's faces and tones and will think in a split second that they are angry with me. It truly is tiring keeping this mental state, but it feels that I can't leave it.

Oh my friend .... I, and I'm sure many others in this group, can totally identify with what you've been through ..... mental and physical and sexual abuse, walking on egghells, always being nervous and anxious, my mother's favorite words for me were, "you rotten little S.O.B." I was an only child and thought everyone grew up that way ..... I was just a big zero in everyones eyes - at least that's how I felt. I wore my mother's clothes to school, wore big black rimmed glasses, and sat in the back corner because I "knew" I was an absolute jerk whom no one wanted to be around. My mother used to strike fear into me by telling me, "young lady, some day you're going to come home from school and your suitcase will be on the porch." Somehow, in my child brain (about 7-10 at the time) I knew she meant it, and as most kids of abuse, I had a plan .... I "knew" I could make it. Well, all this primed me for marriage to a man with Narcissistic Personality Disorder .... so once again, I was the stupid idiot who could do nothing right. And, I believed it, and I knew it. We had 3 kids, and while I had no idea how to raise children, I somehow knew the way I was treated was not right. So, I went about doing everything the opposite way .... no ugly names, lots of hugs and kisses, lots of encouragement, no horrible threats, and unlike my alcoholic parents ..... I vowed to never touch a drop. God was with me because I now have 3 solid, grounded, stable adult kids - 2 Social Workers and a Patent Lawyer. .... I will never understand how a parent can be like mine were. Some of this I never even told a soul until I got into therapy with a Psychologist - PsyD. After I was working with him for a month or two (not really revealing much of anything) I told him I thought I should have a female therapist. He looked at me and said, "abby, you can always do what you want, but I think a man is best for you." OMG! I felt trapped. So on we went, through a lot of pain, tears, a breakdown, medications from a Psychiatrist, discussing subjects I never thought I'd hear come out of my mouth ..... and to a man, of all things! Well, I've been divorced about 15 years now and I feel so free of all that hatred, judgment, and vileness that came from all of them. I an NOT what I was told, I AM a person of worth, and by God's grace .... my 3 kids are all wonderful adults.
Yes, I won't lie to you .... it's a tough road, but it is so well worth it. It's a gift to give yourself. You've earned it and deserve it.
Interestingly enough (I've since moved and am about 3 hrs. from where my therapist is), I still go up every other week, for what I call a "tune-up". And, as unbelievable as this seems, I've come to totally forgive my mother and Dad. She was just doing to me what she had learned, and the same with my Dad. Now I feel pity for them both and the childhoods they must have had.
Make yourself a priority and give yourself the gift of healing .... oh yes, it will hurt at times, you'll feel pain, sadness, embarrassment, and shock as you walk through this glass covered road. But when you get to the sunshine part .... believe me when I say ..... the work was all worth it.
Take care my friend ..... do write again soon,
Blessings and Peace,
abby

I am sorry to hear that you're passing through such feelings. As a child, I was trained to please everybody and to always do what other people tell me to. I was told that others are right even when they are not. Such training is making me to feel that I should never make others people angry. I often study people's facial expressions to make sure that I do everything properly and they do not have reason to be angry with me. It makes me to suffer a lot, because I often see something is wrong and I do not know what. Maybe they are angry with something I did. It's hard to live with such feelings. But in my mind, I know that it is not that they are alyays angry or dissapointed with me, they surely have their own worries, but still... It makes me confused and makes me to spend lot of my strenght to think what's wrong.

So very true. Wasted most of my life endeavoring to please others. Prefer being alone rather than going through hoops.

@theotherone

Jan

You have expressed the situation of a people-pleasing so well and you are right when you say that it is tiring to spend your time trying to figure out what is wrong. You are also right when you say that other people's reactions are not necessarily about you, but about something else going on in their life.

If I may ask, when did you reach these more healthy conclusions?

Teresa

I think it was only after I left home. Slowly I learned to communicate and to understand that feelings do not need to be only black and white. All people receive many stimuli from all corners and feelings can be influenced ay many factors. But even when I know all this, I stilĺ strugle with such feelings.

@amberpep

You are always an inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing so openly your hard won victories. You make us think that maybe there's hope for us.

Jim

You explained it better than I could have, thank you.
It really does take up so much energy to understand what you may have done wrong, even when people say that it has nothing to do with you. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one facing these problems.

Hi, @theotherone -- thinking of you and wondering how you are doing?

@lisalucier thank you for remembering me. I appreciate it a lot. I didn't post recently. Although I am doing my best to hide my depression, my mind is blurred and I can't think well. I have not visited my psychiatrist for several months already. I feel it does not make any good. I can see she is not interested to listen to what I want to say. I don't trust her anymore. I feel down again, and it is like nobody around me cares.