I felt a rush of gratitude & blessings reading all your comments- how brave each of you are. I had a good cry after going thru each posting a 2nd time. Thank you all- I feel like I have found a place where I can feel safe & not ashamed of the tremendous ambivalence I experienced after having my husband instantly falling at my feet and going frozen - all I could do was watch as the life left his eyes. I did not go to cradle his head or tell him I loved him. I just watched him die.