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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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Punkinpie,
Let me share your feelings of loss, sorrow and emptiness. Im so sad to hear about your Mom punkin.
I dont know if you read my post but I just lost my daughter, Kirstin suddenly. She was only 45. I can copy and post my horrific story for you. I need to connect to someone who has feelings like me. Like you, I am going thru crying every day feeling I could have done more. I go to pieces looking at her pic. My husband is feeling somewhat the same. Kirstin us our only child and her and I were very close.
Heres my story do you can understand.....I will copy and paste it below for you.
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3 Reactions@ihtak46 I am very sorry about your daughter. Whenever I hear of anyone losing a child, it makes me so sad, knowing how difficult it would be to lose my son or daughter. I hope it’s some consolation that you spent time with her just before she passed away. It’s good that you and your husband have each other’s support, despite grieving differently. I think that’s typical of male-females.
I read your prior posts and my heart aches for you and all of those who loved her. I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a hug but you’ll have to settle for a virtual one.
Hugs, JK
JK
I THINK I MAY HAVE FELT YOUR ‘HUG’. Thank you.
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3 ReactionsId like to take part. I need to take part.
ihtak46
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1 ReactionThank you so much.
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1 ReactionBeen while since posted... summer went way to fast... been cleaning up 5.3 acres a long ways to go... things finally settled the daughter & husband got her 5A but had to get a variance so could keep farm land frontage nothing ever has been simple bu t went through without question... sale of 40A cent through on Sep 11 and went got new vehicle 2019 GMC Sierra 1500 Elevation series a 4by4 did not have it but 4 days someone keyed/scratched the drivers side from drivers door to taillight.had to totally repaint that side... thus can not be Ziebarted till late December..its paid for in full goign to stick it out here another winter if can and put money into restoring my house friend is having his ups downs with his lung cancer was doing fine but neck lymph node started growing and had to have radiation in May did fine for while now another 2 old lymph nodes elsewhere growing so into another clinical study...more in lung cancer on that.... me i am hanging in sometimes by a thread i think turned another year older on Sunday trucker friend came in helped us get dyer out of garage/barn not attached to trailer into laundry/furnace room so will provide extra heat when ran and another problem solved that's been on going for 3 years but his family would not help solve...
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2 ReactionsIt's always good to hear from you, @reibur1951! How nice that things are getting settled with the property and that you were able to get a new vehicle.
I'm sorry to hear about your friend's continual battle with cancer. When will he start the clinical trial? I admire your continual help to his family.
Went for testing yesterday (labs, biopsy & additional ct of abdomen & pelvis; the Ct's of the 2nd for Neck and chest qualified for the study) and starts this coming Thursday and then back on this Friday by calendar it will end the week after christmas - has no appointments that week so hopefully the large part of travel will be over with before winter hits - maybe of course the saying is this is "Indiana just wait...". The support is him - the sisters really do not care nor the 2 brother-in-laws which is sad at least the one brother-in-law did come over and check the old vehicle for us. When I told the one sister the other night she showed no emotion/expression at all did not ask any questions (her daughters facial expressions changed) she did not even tell her husband the one who has been checking the van over! I called as him if he had any more of the plastic pallets on Thursday and have yet to hear back from him i will not call again and ask.... I have been doing the clean-up all by myself with a little help from the one with cancer... this all is for him his care etc. Like said will try to stick it out here got straw for around the bottom of the trailer got a full plus cord of wood and will get another and get stocked up so we don't have to be out and wait for small loads to come. Its all chopped split to size I can handle.
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2 ReactionsI just saw this post on connect. My name is Sarah. My son was killed in a tragic accident August 13, 2018. He was 4 years old. It has been the worst thing I have ever had to deal with. Some days I am not sure how to even handle the pain. I am learning that the pain never really lifts or lessens. I just have to learn to carry it with me. Some days I feel like I’m doing pretty good and then BAM. I feel like it’s week one again. That pain near my heart is always there and the tears are always just below the surface. I was never a crier before. I’m a very positive person. ( Always looking for the bright side of things.) I am not seeing the bright side of losing my son. I miss him so much. It feels good to talk about him and how silly and bright he was. And to remember him. Thank you for having this outlet on here.
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2 ReactionsFirst, I send you my heartfelt condolences. In 2007 my elder daughter, the mother of my twin grandchildren, died from the injuries she received in a car crash. Tears are healing. My husband and I cried anytime we needed to for as long as we needed to. We also set up a buddy system for driving to prevent a car accident. One of us would be the driver and the other the lookout. Talk about your son all you want. Say his name and say it often. He was part of your life and always will be. Remember that love lasts forever. Is there something you could do in memory of your son? You might give books to the public library, for example. Contrary to popular belief, time doesn't heal all wounds. Rather, you learn to live with loss. Your son would want you to be happy and enjoy life. Life this day in honor of him.
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