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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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Hang in there, @reibur1951. You are doing a good thing. I am so pleased to hear that the insurance approval went through so quickly, that is such a blessing!
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2 Reactions@reibur1951 Good news about your insurance. This must be a relief.
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2 ReactionsReally had no idea - but there was no doubt with what he had - how long if will pay not sure - cross that bridge when it happens - the clinical study paid for it
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2 ReactionsI have had several.loses as a lot of us have .My Dad died when I was only 6at that , I didn't understand but when I saw him in the coffin I at that age didn't know how to feel Also I had the measles so Mom hired a babysitter for me .Then my husband died in 2000 I pushed myself in working plus we talked about remodeling our basement I threw my self in that till I was exhausted .I just moved to Ca .where my son loves when we had to fly to Ga. My brother dies I leaned on him.My Mom died 2yrs after my husband but every time something is sad on T.V I cry 😢 you never forget but as time goes on its easier.Oh I use to go to my Dad,s grave and talk with him.
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1 ReactionHello my name is Danielle.. I am new to this group I have been in the brain tumor PXA group for the past two years of my daughter Danica’s fight against cancer/brain tumor. She was 10 years old and passed in Oakland Childrens hospital January 28th 2019. It has been a nightmare and I am not doing ok at all. 💔😭
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5 ReactionsHello @daniellemarie I am Scott and first I want to say how sorry I am to read of the loss of your daughter. I cannot imagine how difficult your journey is.
I lost my wife after her 14+ year war with brain cancer and I still struggle with the loss of her. The anniversary of her passing is coming up in just a few days. I dread it and find it difficult to adjust to my different life.
If I might ask, what’s your biggest challenge?
Strength, courage, and peace.
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4 ReactionsI am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I lost my daughter in 2008. I also lost a granddaughter to anacephaly in 2009. Then I lost my husband this year. It is hard to lose anyone. But a child it takes a part of you. The only thing I can say is you take it day by day and sometimes hour by hour. I am so sorry for your loss. I am praying for you.
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5 ReactionsMy daughter, the mother of my twin grandchildren, died from the injuries she received in a car crash. Three more family members also died. When I look back, I think of 2007 as the year of death. An author, this led me to write four grief reconciliation/healing books and dozens of articles. Writing can be healing and I encourage all grieving people to put their thoughts in words. You may read my articles on the Open to Hope website and The Grief Toolbox website.
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5 Reactions@daniellemarie I just want to say how sorry I am about the loss of your daughter. I think that's a mother's worst nightmare. Not only is a loss of a dearly loved one, but it's simply out of sequence, not right. I wish I had some suggestions but I too do not how I could handle such a tremendous loss.
JK
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4 Reactions@daniellemarie I'm so sorry for your loss .Loss of a loved one is terrible but loss of a child I think must be worst since she was a part of you . My sympathy to you . If you can keep yourself busy with work or helping others this will make it easier for you its when your alone that is the worse . Been through this many times.
My husband died now almost 20 yrs ago and I miss him more today then I did then. Probably since I'm retired now and think of him more. I pray things will get better for you . Time heals but there is a grieving period you will go through with no time limit on this . With friends and talking to God if you do this will all help . Bless you
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