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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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@sadiesmom I know after my father's suicide and all of the friends and family were gone I was not even allowed to mention my dad. I know how difficult that time was and how alone I felt. It seemed like everyone was getting on with their lives and as though no one cared. That was in 1975 and little was known about helping the survivors. It was like what he had done was wrong and selfish. Yes, I was hurting in ways no one could understand. It felt like none cared and that his choice was like he was weak. He was not!!!
I cannot imagine how it would feel to lose a child in this way. The best I can do is a cyber hug and cry some with you.
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4 Reactions@sadiesmom I am proud of you for continuing to try. Knowing that you will never be a grandmother is one area of extreme heartbreak for me also. I wanted a large family but was only allowed two children. One child is handicapped in multiple areas and will never have a child. The other is dealing with emotional issues and also will probably never have a child. So I don't expect to expand my family with grandchildren either. I have been borrowing for many years and continue to do so. My solace is the children of nieces, nephews and friends. Some other options might be volunteering at the library, playground supervisor or classroom assistant, or teaching children at your church. Working with children can be so fulfilling. Hopefully you find something soon. Blessings.
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3 Reactions@sadiesmom Our church was asked for volunteers for the 1st graders to help them read it was very enjoyable maybe there is a school for this in your area
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1 ReactionUpdate - Hopefully winter is behind us but Easter is not passed as yet here in Indiana it can snow up a storm on that day.... - to be 56-70's today.
I am head to Indy with friend in about 2 hours - he had ct-scan on Thursday at Indy and this is to be his dr/chemo/immunology - not sure what is going to be going down - got e-mail of tentative results and it said the Game plan has again changed after only 6 weeks -
On Feb. 25 they add chemo back - Docetaxel but it must not be working as they had hoped..
He has had no bad side effects from it other than sleeping a a lot, some hair loss and his taste for foods are off; have noticed a lot of irritability he yells more at the dog barking and yells at him to "shut up"
He's had a muffled cough almost constantly too. BUT he still rides his bike down to the country store 10+ miles one way - has missed a day or two - generally the days of the dr/chemo/infusion when we roll into home aft 7-8 p.m.; last Thursday - when we got home from ct he oped not to go as was indy and on chilly side and said he did not feel like it.
Not sure what's goign on but will know something sometime after 12 noon our time But what ever will have to manage and carry on..... hope the van lasts out till after October 1st and nothing goes astray... Had planned to start clean-up here outside and start hauling the "junk- crap" off tot he scrape yard, ordered 300 feet of stainless steel Daren hose before starting to burn because everything have is second hand and wants to split wide open or pin holes...
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3 ReactionsHello @reibur1951
I am glad for an update from you. Yes, it is good that spring is just around the corner.
I know that hearing that the "game plan has again changed" can be confusing. I hope the information you receive from the doctor helps clear up your understanding and shows a new and better "game plan."
I will be thinking about you. Will you post an update when you are comfortable doing so?
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3 ReactionsYes will - when get home today if know anything I am sure will know a little more than do now not sure if the chemo/infusion will go down - I am assuming not
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1 Reaction@reibur1951
Yes, this is one of those wait-and-see times. You have probably mentioned his age before, but I do not recall.
57 - Back from Indy... course of treatment in progress of changing... posted what is going on under Lung cancer wont; let me re-post here - its goign to be a very busy rest of the months....
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1 ReactionHello @reibur1951
I read about the results of the appointment in the Lung Cancer discussion. I hope that all goes well with getting approval from the insurance company and that there is not too much of a delay. This has been a long process for both of you with a lot of interruptions along the way.
Keeping you in my thoughts (and prayers). Will you keep posting and keep updating on his progress and of course your progress as well?
The approval was instantly which was amazing yesterday was his infusion day for the chemo/prembo - like said they discontinued chemo but want to keep the pembro because what it has done for the main tumor and chest lymph nodes only question will be how long will the insurance company go along with that... the prembo was being paid for by the clinical study do have no idea of what the cost is for that but i know the infusion part ran 2 thousand plus depending upon time spent in the infusion lab which was up to 4 hours - Yes will keep posting and if have to stay in Indy will have my laptop and my smartphone I finally got in Dec. - i know it possibly helps others and its a way for me to vent since his sisters do not really give a dam - I made it a point when she called to offer to take some junk off to scrape yard today for me (I had called earlier and talk to the brother-in-law) that Paul came first before anything she snapped back : have not said anything have I" no she has not - she has not even bothered calling to see how I am doing - how he is - or cared if we were alive or dead during that "polar vortex" to me that speaks volumes maybe should not. I said about junk i can do it it it is sorted and loaded onto truck - having a guy hopefully come out this afternoon and load it down for me... I need to learn what to sort our for the best price right now its all piled together :-(.... This was the plans for the next couple of weeks so i could get started at least to finish the furnace/laundry room to salvage it as there is no question about it even if can leave here - all the well/plumbing and main electric which also runs the garage is located and I want to be somewhat more ahead of the game if have to stay here another winter but that is not my game plan I do not think can hack another winter like this past one - it got down to 28 in here and no higher than 60 and when the wind blows this instantly becomes a "deep freezer" no matter the season - a 1975 mobile home that has definitely seen its day... its a "dead horse" putting money ito it is fruitless... the floors need replaced as the are that glued sawdust"; the roof has leaked and all the ceilings will have to be stripped out... the pull out in the living room i done years ago and still remains to be finished... done the bathroom in 2017 it still has to be done besides other issues... I was out and walked in back and the water stands which is not good the state highway cemented the main drain tile shut years ago for some unknown reason.... I see they have markers around it maybe they are deciding to open it up or maybe just deciding to re-pave "pot-hole heaven" State Rd 17... I just can see spending large amounts of money on it and still end up with a 1975 mobile home frame and no space... guess my thinking is wrong...
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