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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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Hello @reibur1951
Just wanted to check in and say hello. I hope you are doing well. Post again when you have some time.
Hello @dd1931
How are you doing? I hope all is going better for your and your family.
@muppey Hello Mark:
How are you? Hope all is going better for you now.
@@georgette12. I agree.
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1 ReactionHi everyone,
We now have a group dedicated to Loss & Grief on Connect. Feel free to browse the existing discussion or start a new discussion. Follow the group and explore the discussions here: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/loss-grief/
Learn more about how to use Connect, including following groups, taking part in a discussion and starting a discussion: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/get-started-on-connect/
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3 ReactionsI've been reading through so many of your posts. My mom died in November, at the age of 82, but unexpectedly. She had been a single parent, and raised not only me, but was a foster parent to 58 children over more than 40 years. She was my best friend and we talked every day for over 20 years, although we had an atypical relationship in which I grew up as a mini-adult, so she was more a friend to me than someone who was nurturing as a mother. Complicated relationship, and I'm grieving deeply.
My dad, who I had a relationship with, even though my parents were divorced, passed away the year before, after fighting Alzheimer's for five years. I was relieved for him that his struggle was over, and the grief journey hasn't been as painful.
What is bothering me the most is that I'm having nightmares and bad dreams about my mom -- she's always very angry with me, and in the last one, tried to suffocate me. I have no idea what to do with such awful stuff. I spend my days crying for the mom I miss so much, and then this stuff comes out at night?
Yes, I do have a therapist to talk to, as well as a grief group which starts in a couple of weeks.
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4 ReactionsHello @trider7140 I am Scott and I lost my wife of 41 years after a 14+ year war with brain cancer. I still grieve her loss and I, too, have strange dreams about her, which often have no bearing on my real feelings for her and/or anything that actually happened in life. I have been told the same by our adult children from time to time as well.
That said, I experience the same type of thing with dreams about almost anything I dream about I actually cannot think of a dream I had that mimicked some portion of my actual life. They always have some proportion of jumble in them!
When we are grieving and our brains are trying to make sense of our different reality it works overtime, even when we are sleeping.
Our subconscious works in mysterious ways, which I believe our conscious selves cannot always comprehend.
Just my thoughts on this complex topic.
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2 Reactions@trider7140 I am so sorry you are going through this, it sounds very strange. I have some very odd dreams also, but none that would be as upsetting as that. I hope your therapist or grief group can help you with what may be causing them.
Despite having an unusual relationship with your mother, you are very lucky to have had her for so many years. She must have been such a good person to have fostered so many children. My own mother passed away when I was 27, my father when I was a teen, so I miss that I never had a real adult relationship with them.
JK
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2 Reactions@hopeful33250
Hi!
I am new to this group. Things popped up on my email, but I really didn't know if I wanted to participate. Then, I saw a posting and realized that I think I still have a lot of feelings I need to share.
My mother was a non smoiker who was surrounded by lots of smokers most of her life. She always had this cough that we attributed to "having a fog in her throat." I cannot remember how or under what circumstances, but our PCP heard something he didn't like. Again, I cannot remember the procedure, but I do remember getting a call from my father that my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. I fell apart on the phone. I was told that if I was going to react that way, information would NOT be shared with me. Wasn't I allowed to react? This is my mother, the non-smoker, the person who always took care of herself, the person who came from a family of longevity. She was about 64 at the time.
It took time, but we were able to get he an appointment at Sloane Kettering Hospital in NYC. It was decided she would have chemo. We were also told that she was terminal because they could not find a tumor, just cells. It was believed that the lungs were NOT the primary site, but they didn't know what was. My mother would not let me come over to her house when she was recouping from the chemo. Secretly, in my heart, I was happy. I know it sounds HORRIBLE and I am SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF. I NEVER shared this before. I couldn't bare to see her sick!!! I did not think I would be able to clean her up, is she needed it. The SHAME IS DISGUSTING and I THINK OF IT OFTEN WHEN I THINK OF HER.
We were told that IF the chemo worked, she would have 2-4 years. Mom developed neuropathy and had a hard time walking. She was always an active person! It was taking her longer and longer to recoup from the chemo. At some point, it was decided to stop the chemo. I do not know who decided or why. I wll never forget when I got the call to come down to the hospital. I walked into the room and Dad was there holding her hand. Her eyes were closed and she did not talk when we were there. Her belly was distended and her eyes were sunken. It did not look like my mom! It was difficult, but I kissed her good-bye and told her I loved her. My brother told her it was OK to go.
I went home. I no longer lived in NYC, so I was staying with my in-laws. As soon as I walked in the door, we got the call that she was gone. She wouldn't die in front of me or my brother. Because of us, she lingered. I don't know if she was in pain or not. My mother was 66 years old when she passed. I was 31, about the age she was when she had me. I thank God she got to have a relationship with her grands and to see that her children were on there way professionally and as good adults and parents.
It's been 35 years. It was very rough. I developed intestinal issues which the doctor said would last about 2 years, once my body was out of shock. I would drive to and from work and sometimes I would know how I got there. I physically felt like I had a hole in my heart that would never be filled again. To this day, I still miss her terribly!!!!!! In the beginning, I would see her as she was when she passed, rather than how beautiful she was. After years, that changed. I'd dream more pleasant dreams. I still dream of her, looking healthy, young and beautiul. However, she NEVER talks in my dreams. I want to talk to her so badly and tell her about me, her grands and her great-grands.
You know the question about 'If you had an opportunity to speak with just one person, who would it be?' It would be her for sure! I do have to say that I did grow up with my dad. Until the day he died, I was his baby girl. He went on to live about 20 years after my mom died. He never remarried but he did have 2 long term relationships, which I was fine with. I have regrets about him, too, but I really don't want to bore you any more.
Thank you for letting me go on and on!
Ronnie (GRANDMAr)
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8 Reactions@grandmar Your post brings tears to my eyes. I am so sorry for the feelings you have about not being there enough when she was sick.
I have a few regrets about both of my parents too, I think they would have resolved if they had lived longer. I will always feel guilty about certain things with my mother though, that I didn't do and that was simply being a self-centered young person. As I said in a prior post, I was only 27 when she passed, 15 when my father did.
Our son and daughter are so good, but they are in their 30s. They will have no reason to ever feel guilty at how they treated us, whereas had either of us passed when they younger they may have. Maturity does a lot for people.
JK
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