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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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@lisalucier, my husband was diagnosed 5 yrs ago with PPA. And cannot find his words. Alzheimer's dementia is creeping right in. We no longer communicate. He is unable to tell the beautiful stories of growing up in Europe, coming to US at 15 with family and all the hardships and interesting stories that our grandchildren never tired of. I am grieving a loss of my love, my partner my friend. Retirement will not be as planned. I have made the most difficult decision of my life, in putting him in the care facility. I visir him daily but it's not working out. He needed care 24/7. He turns 80 this year and I am 77.
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2 Reactions@dianajane I am sorry for what you are going through. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. Does he ever have moments of cognizance and know you?
JK
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1 ReactionHello @dd1931
I appreciate you sharing about your brother. Your description of grief "softening" is very appropriate. I will remember that!
@reibur1951
You've been a remarkable friend to many. I hope that easier days are ahead for you.
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1 Reaction@Volunteercontentandwell Thank you. yes he seems to know us. Only calls me by pet name. Seems to recognize family but not names.
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1 ReactionI just want to tell you that I have worked in these wonderful care facilities for many years and have watched residents of the facilities become so very comfortable and even happy . I've seen people with your husband's challengers make friends with other residents. Honestly, it does happen that way with most folks.
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2 Reactions@georgette12 ,That is reassuring. He seems to be slowly becoming accustomed at times. His good days are my good days. How long and how often to visit is stressful. I don't want to abandon him, but I'm hoping to eventually to get back to some sort of social life.
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2 ReactionsHow long to visit and how often? You can ask him when you are actually there if he would like you to stay at that particular time. You just take your cues from him. You can trust yourself to know. In my experience family really does have a harder time in adjusting. Residents begin to get familiar with where they are and usually make friends there. I used to work in Activities in a care facility so I know there are all kinds of things to occupy residents on all levels. Even sever memory loss and hospice .
About how often to visit, maybe don't plan in advance . You can call him and ask him each day. One last thing. I work s a caregiver and we are told TO TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES FIRST. Remember when you're on a plane, put YOUR OWN OXYGEN MASK ON FIRST. Then help the other person
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3 ReactionsHello All:
A new discussion group was recently started for those who might have had a friend and/or family member who took their own life. You can find this discussion, Suicide: Finding it hard to lose someone by suicide at, https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/suicide-1/?pg=1#comment-275838.
Here is a quote from the Survivors of Suicide website,
"When you have experienced the death of a family member or loved one by suicide you can feel overwhelmed, desperately sad, lonely, angry, confused, guilty and somehow responsible. You may also discover that friends, co-workers and other family members don’t always know what to say or how to be supportive and comforting. We know that the bereavement associated with a suicide death is different than other deaths; there is the suddenness of the death and there is often no easy – or clear – explanation as to why suicide was seen as a choice.
It is always important to get help in the aftermath of suicide death. That help might be from a therapist who specializes in grief and loss; it might be through a support group specifically designed for individuals who are dealing with the loss of a loved one to suicide. Survivor of Suicide (SOS) groups can help participants feel less alone and understood by others who have experienced a loss to suicide. “Being with understanding others helps me try to figure out where I am, where I was, and where I might be headed in this process.”
If you have lost someone to suicide will you share in what ways this type of loss was more difficult for you than a more natural death? Will you also share what was most helpful to you in the process of moving on?
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2 Reactions@shortshot80 Hello Nancy,
I was just thinking that you are nearing the anniversary of your husband's passing. How are you dealing with loneliness and grief?
I hope you will post again soon.