1. < Loss & Grief
Mentor

Loss and Grief: How are you doing?

Posted by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor @hopeful33250, Jan 16, 2018

When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?

Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.

The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?

Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.

Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.

You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.

Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.

Together let us support each other in our grief journey.

Teresa

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Loss & Grief Support Group.

littleonefmohio | @littleonefmohio | Apr 5, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@muppey I am just checking in to see how you are doing. I have not seen you on for a couple days or so and was worried. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes but I am good.

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muppey | @muppey | Apr 5, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@lisalucier,
Hi, the owner of the dog, Jake, called me yesterday and we are all happy campers today. The dog perked up when Cole drove into the driveway, they're hunting partners so that's good. We were talking at his truck for a while and I mentioned my pine tree which is staring at my house, it's started to lean way to much because it's growing with a steep bank on one side and no soil to hold roots. Naturally it's got to aim at me, poor guy/ Hah!
Anyway I mentioned it and asked Cole if he knew anyone who could fall a tree and then I said, "Couldn't afford it now anyway but it'd be nice to know." Cole didn't miss a beat and told me he'd get his pro friend over here after this Pineapple Express Storm blows over. Gonna get some rain tonight through Sunday morning. He said they'd do it for fun and no charge. Blow me away. He called later that night and said it's all set up with his buddy. Some days are diamonds. (John Denver)
Just got back from my VA therapist and that went well. See her again in May.

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muppey | @muppey | Apr 5, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@littleonefmohio,
Hi littleone. I haven't forgotten you, just had to check into crazy street for a while. Not really! I grabbed a stray dog and was busy taking care of him until the owners and I got connected. It happened yesterday and Jake the dog heard Cole's truck pulling into my yard and his ears perked up and they had a happy reunion. It was interesting the reaction I got from neighbors. I was pulling the posters from the stop signs and trees and stuff when I pulled into Darby Lane there was a car parked there which I ignored until a lady got out and came up to me wondering if I had found the owner. Yep! All's well. Another guy was working on a roof and he hollered at me, "You find the owner?" Yep! Came by yesterday. "Good" he said, "I like a happy ending."

Good fun and I'm getting a dangerous tree cut down because we talked, I mentioned the pine tree he looked at it and agreed it's got to come down. Then he said he'd get his tree cutting buddy over here after the storm and cut it down. Then I won't have to worry about it falling on my head one night, it's leaning way to much towards my bedroom. No charge too! Couldn't afford it anyway at the moment.

Some good things happen! Hope you're doing well! I get a bit lonesome here and start feeling bad for me but it's just something I'll deal with. Might go to an AA meeting tonight, I'm feeling good about that.

Be well and your husband too. Think I got that right??? Guess I should re-read your post's.
Mark

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Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Apr 6, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@muppey

What a great experience. It appears that one good deed (finding the dog's owner) led to another good deed (getting your tree cut down). While it doesn't always work out so nicely I'm very pleased for you! A bit of encouragement is a good thing, we all need it.

Teresa

REPLY
muppey | @muppey | Apr 6, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@hopeful33250,Yeah, I wasn't very happy with the bit of humanity I'm close to so yes this helped a lot. The owner, Cole, has been with the dog for five years and the reunion was a good thing to see. Guess some reunions work out.
Thanks for the boost. Still have you on my mind a lot and have a little list I keep.
Take care
Mark

REPLY
Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Apr 6, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@muppey

Thanks for your good thoughts!

Teresa

REPLY
muppey | @muppey | Apr 9, 2018
In reply to @kdawn32 "@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person..." + (show)
@kdawn32

@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person can not put into words. However if the person on the receiving end doesn't communicate that way it is meaningless for them. So it all gets lost. The giver gets upset and the receiver is confused. So you might think about this the next time some one gives you something. Thank them for thinking of you. Say something like "is there a special meaning". A lot of us do tend to put to much attachment into "Things".

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@2011panc,
Hi again, just got off the phone with my brother Joe in Arizona. He called! Good talk!
I haven't been here for a few days because??? Things get going and I try to keep up. Going to the meetings is good, it's interesting that my heart stops racing when I sit down with those people, guess decent people can do that.
Someone, maybe hopeful or little one, can't remember mentioned that this healing goes in kind of a zig zag way and I think I'm zagging at the moment. Found some of Mary's memento's and jewelry stuck in a corner so I've been packing that and sending it via mail. Some is book rate so not to expensive. Had the pile sitting on my living room floor and it was bugging me so I sent everything except the jewelry so far. Then I found two boxes out in the barn so it will have to wait for next month to send. None of this stuff pertains to me, just pre meeting her stuff so I just jamb it in the USPS envelopes and send it, I don't go through it because I'm not interested. She can sort it.
Anyway I think I'm in a mean sort right now so I'll just say...Happy for you and your husband.
Write back if you would, you do help.
Mark

REPLY
Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Apr 9, 2018
In reply to @kdawn32 "@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person..." + (show)
@kdawn32

@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person can not put into words. However if the person on the receiving end doesn't communicate that way it is meaningless for them. So it all gets lost. The giver gets upset and the receiver is confused. So you might think about this the next time some one gives you something. Thank them for thinking of you. Say something like "is there a special meaning". A lot of us do tend to put to much attachment into "Things".

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@muppey Hello Mark,

Yes the zig-zag feelings come with loss and grief. I'm glad that you had a good experience with your brother's phone call and your meeting. Keep up those activities that are positive for you.

I wish you a better day tomorrow.

Teresa

REPLY
muppey | @muppey | Apr 9, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@littleonefmohio,
I haven't ghosted you people because you are to fun. I can divert a little can't I?
My head is spinning with all sorts of info I've picked up and I feel like I've been through the old fashioned ringer. I still remember my Grandmother doing that before she'd hang the wash, then she got a clothes dryer. Were you the one who told me this is a zig zag ride? Kind of like a sailboat heading into the wind, got to tac this way and that. Been a long time since then as a Sea Scout. Lots of fun when I was a kid.
A girl at my meetings named Grace was chairing the meeting and she brought up "What do you fear?" She picked me first and I really wasn't prepared as I'd never sat and thought about that. In a weeks time now the only thing that I can come up with is "gossip" at the moment. Been in bad spots before, I fear God in a reverent way, not very good at that but I know He knows.
I'm feeling a bit mean at the moment. I'm not talking about bar room brawl mean but if anyone tried to pull one on me at the moment I know how to slash with words. Don't want to do that but I can. Told my x a while, months, before she left that I can be mean and I can be nice, but I prefer to be nice.
My brother Joe called me from Arizona and we went down memory lane for a while...heavy duty stuff from way back.
Still here! "I need, I need, give me I want..." old movie called What About Bob. It was a big funny for me and I watched it about 16 times. Want a good laugh this will do it. Bill Murray and Drefus.
Mark

REPLY
muppey | @muppey | Apr 9, 2018
In reply to @badboys1965 "I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has..." + (show)
@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@hopeful33250,
I need some advice right now! My x just called and hung up on me. I don't know whether to call back or wait. This has me in another knot. I don't want to call back but I don't know! It's about 4;00 right now! Hate this crap.

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