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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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@harriethodgson1
I always appreciate your posts. You mentioning writing, which I feel is a very strategic way to deal with loss. I'm glad that you bring that to the table!
Look forward to hearing from you again.
Teresa
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1 Reaction@littleonefmohio, "but don't drive if its far." Yes dear. Common answer I think.
The meeting in Angels Camp isn't to far, about 3-4 miles. Probably fit into one Monday and Tuesday evening, I'll check out the day time meetings to. It'll give me something to do and the people at AA meetings are nice like you guys. There are men only meetings and open meetings but I don't know of any women only groups, guess women need us men to balance them out.
At a men's meeting up in Arnold a woman showed up and we let her in, she needed help now and not later. It's a pretty amazing work, I guess you say. Don't seem to be any boss's. There is some administration going on somewhere but I don't know where, probably on the East Coast.
I know what you mean on old memory's. Sometimes they pop up and I'll say, Where'd you come from? If I don't like it I dismiss it by changing channels. Go away! The song for that is: Randy Travis. If you like country music, if not don't go there.
https://youtu.be/DfwBrQHiXFU
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1 Reaction@harriethodgson1, I can only understand that pain of missing your daughter as I watched Mary over the years, her grief is something I never understood completely. I knew what it was each year and I'd just allow for the process which start's probably Christmas and goes through her birthday, her sons birthday on Valentines day, then Easter Sunday which is tomorrow. She's got lots of help down there so she'll be fine. Trouble is that span takes up a lot of time and space and whatever.
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1 ReactionThanks for the like.
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1 Reaction@muppey @kdawn32
I do have some rosa rugosa. The deer don't like them, and the hips are as much of a reason to have them as the single rose blossoms.
I love the various flowers of roses, Columbine, Iris, tulips (deer like tulips), annual garden mums, coreopsis, daisies, day lilies, forsythia, and even the cacti. The ones I like the best are the ones that tend themselves with just a little water and grooming.
I worked in the pasture, setting squirrel and gopher traps, and did some weeding in the garden and getting the spots ready where I plant tomatoes, peppers, squash, cucumbers and mini pumpkins. I'm paying for it today. My feet are hurting. I need to spray a bunch of Roundup and get beds ready for potatoes and onions and snow peas. I'm looking forward to seeing sunflowers and hollyhocks coming up outside the kitchen and family room windows.
How I'm feeling? That's harder to put into words. I'm trying to focus on Easter weekend and take my focus off myself. Easter is a time to meditate on the amazing work that God did to restore the relationship between Himself and mankind that was broken by sin. The words of a song our choir sang 30+ years ago just came to mind - He only wants to love you, He only wants to care. That truth gives me strength and reason to keep going.
Easter is also symbolic of new life, and seeing plants coming alive, budding and blooming, and where there's new life, there's hope.
Gotta get some soup heated for lunch. Marilyn made a big pot of chicken noodle soup and we've been enjoying it this week.
Jim
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2 Reactions@sunnymygirl, Hi, just re-read your post and you asked, "...how to not be angry at her for dying and leaving me behind." When my brothers died I never got angry at them, John and Steve were both a lot of fun to sit and talk with and fishing and other stuff.
Before Steve died he gave me his jeep and I say thanks almost every time I get in. The jeep is a 1990 and going strong.
6 months before I met my wife her son died in suicide. The guys dad didn't seem to think much of it as he'd had the guy 5150'd to a 3 day lock up. Anyway it's a long story but he died on Easter Sunday. Some time after I met Mary the anger crept up on her and she'd go into raging hate attacks on her sons father for the mean things he did to the family. He abandoned them in Salt Lake City with 90.00 dollars and a drop off at the welfare office, then he split for Florida and his new chicky.
Dealing with this raging anger and hatred was difficult but it finally abated after about 3 years. Some flare ups after that but I did convince her that the anger and hatred were affecting her and it'd be better to try to forgive the guy.
Don't know if your anger is that strong but it's a good thing to talk out with people. Yours is not with you and the guy is still here, now it's my turn to work on anger.
Anger will be dealt with one way or another. It's best if you can recognize it and do something with it. One thing I'd often do in my meditation time is to take things that really bother me and I can't do anything about, I'd write a note and tie it to an arrow, then I'd just shoot if as far away as possible. It helped. Find somewhere to place your ache and pain and the anger.
just thinking
mark
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1 ReactionSo In the midst of dealing with my Mom death, the estate, doing the taxes (mine and hers), coming to grips with the fact that I am an orphan (how weird is that at almost 50 years old), and all the other stuff life tosses at you I'm also dealing with a crazy person. My sister (in biology only) once again threatened to kill me. Now she doesn't make these threats to my face. She tells my brother while telling him things like "other Christians look down on you because your not married, your not a man because you've never been married". She recently said she was the only person who was a care giver to Mom. So I guess I just imagined most of the last 15 years of me helping out with my folks. The last 10+ of spending about 50 of the 52 weekends each year going to their home and caring for Mom every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. My brother has evidently, according to her, been living with them since 2014 but did nothing. Thursday she not only verbally attacked one brother, but physically assaulted another. Her threats included the fact that she carries and has a gun. I did convince one brother (not the one who was physically attacked) to go with me to get a restraining order. She broke those about 48 hours into it. Happy Easter to us all, right. Did I mention she would tell you that she, though a sinner, is the best Christian that ever walked the face of the earth. We are all evil, wicked people and are just trying to take all the things and money she is entitled to have. First of my parent worked for that money. The only people ever entitled to a freaking dime of it was them. I am no happy that they didn't spend every dime. You got it go spend it. Live your life, be happy. Take that trip you want to take. No one else is entitled to a thing. FYI that "sister" turns 68 this year if your wondering.
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2 ReactionsWow!
So sorry for all the issues you are dealing with!
Now that your sister disregarded the restraining order, what happens now?
Can you swear out a police report directly?
Good luck to you all!
Ronnie (GRANDMAr)
@kdawn32 You remain in my prayers. I also have felt in fear on my physical being from a female bio-sib. I say that because she has "disowned" me and I have finally accepted that and stopped any attempts to reach out. I am sorry that I have no answers for suggestions for you. My only solaces are that I know what I did and am doing for my parents; as well as what the rest of my siblings have and are doing. And, I can finally be grateful that we were poor. Father's life insurance paid for his funeral and my mother's will do the same. Thus, nothing to fight over after her death. When she went into a nursing home the vultures attacked her house and it is basically stripped of what was my childhood home and locked by the sibling that conned the ownership of it from my parents. Blessings to you during this difficult time.
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1 Reaction@kdawn32, Hi! I read your post twice and I'll read it again but it sure looks like you got a need for some tension relief. She threatens you and is "the best Christian"? Wonders of the world...
Last night I sent an email to my son and as a side note I explained that one thing I'm interested in is studying the scriptures. Things are different from what we are taught.
However I've noticed that some people here get a little nervous around the subject, but in my opinion your sister has been listening to the wrong people or maybe just not listening because she has it all figured out. That's what I thought about 40 years ago and then things happened. Just saying that because your sister appears to have not gotten the message. I wouldn't engage in any preaching towards her, right now I'd do my best to isolate her and talk kindly to her, sometimes that can throw people off. Don't take any guff from her and don't let her lead you into a conflict, walk away in a polite manner. Myself, I didn't do that when my x started with her stuff over the phone. I'd get upset because it doesn't fit the person I've know over the years, then I'd just say, "Have a nice day! Bye!" Mary acted very different when I last saw her getting her stuff. I suppose the phone and distance is her moat.
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