Connect
Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
Like
Helpful
HugInterested in more discussions like this? Go to the Loss & Grief Support Group.
Connect
Most people believe anger is part of grief, but I didn't get angry in 2007 when my daughter (mother of my twin grandchildren), father-in-law, brother, and the twins' father died. I did get angry, however, at some of the things people said to me. Your anger may come from losing such a close companion and mentor, and fear of what the future holds. I wondered if I would still be the same person. This is my 11th year without my loved ones, and I realize I'm the "new and improved" model of who I used to be. Multiple losses made me more grateful for the miracle of life and a more empathetic person.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
5 ReactionsAnger does seem to be part of our grief. I lost my son and alone physical activity seemed to help somewhat. Don't be ashamed of your anger or try to bury it. Face it and try to work through it. It will pass in time. Bless you!
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
3 ReactionsHello @liz223
Your words, "Face it and try to work through it" reflects a courage in the face of anger/grief. This is important. I appreciate your sharing those thoughts.
Teresa
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 ReactionHello @sunnymygirl
I am glad that you chose Connect as your therapy group. I'm pleased to have you contributing to this discussion. As you read the posts from others I'm sure you will find strength and support.
Your sister sounds like an exceptional person. If you are comfortable doing so, can you share some memories of her?
I look forward to hearing from you again.
Teresa
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 ReactionsThanks for the like @hopeful33250
Thanks for another like Teresa
Hi!
You sound like a very strong and wise person. I admire your strength to come out the other side the 'new and improved' model.
Ronnie (GRANDMAr)
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 ReactionHello!
First, let me say that I am so sorry for the loss of your sister. I believe you made a good decision to see a therapist. Sometimes we need someone to talk to who will not judge and who is not invested in the relationship you had with the deceased person.
Being angry about the death of a person who you were so close to, is NOT childish! We all have the rite to grieve in our own way and time. When it does not go away for a long period of time and it interferes with our ability to be productive, that is when I would say that professional help might be needed.
When my mother passed, I was beyond sad and angry! I held it inside for so long, that I developed physical problems. When I went to the doctor for treatment, he told me it was my body's way to react and that I could expect more of the same for 3 years.
I had terrible images in my head of how she look the last days of her life. She no longer looked like herself. As the years have passed, those images have turned into those of her healthy and happy. It took me years to get to that point.
Best wishes to you!
Ronnie (GRANDMAr)
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
3 ReactionsThank you for your kind words Ronnie. Life's challenges either make you weaker or stronger. I chose to be stronger.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
3 ReactionsYou are most welcome! My hubby always tells me that I see the glass half empty. He is right. I am a blessed woman and I need to change my perspective. I want to chose to be stronger like you!
ronnie
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 Reaction