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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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@muppey
I surely don't know everything about forgiveness. I've had to do plenty of it, and others have been gracious to forgive me. Self forgiveness is another subject entirely. I think that's the hardest. And you're right, Mark. Saying the words only takes a few seconds. Moving forward... just getting started takes me time. I'm afraid I get stuck in the process. Depression kinda slows things down.
Holding grudges is no way to live. As long as we hang on to them, we give the other person control over us. Knowing that is enough to make me quicker to forgive some people.
Then there's the notion of forgiving and forgetting. Sometimes it might be a good thing to forget, but sometimes it might be better to remember so we don't let the same thing happen again. Forewarned is forearmed. But remembering doesn't mean harboring anger or bitterness. That eats a person up.
Jim
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3 Reactions@jimhd, You said "remembering doesn't mean harboring anger or bitterness." I've been through the everlasting bitterness and don't want to carry any of that for another 40 years. Got a pretty powerful corrective measure over that about 6 years ago and I knew exactly what it was. Also explained this to the VA. One of the nurses followed me into the doctors exam room and asked me for more info about what had happened so I explained as best I could until the doctor came in.
I'll get there I know because I know, that's why.
One day I busted my thumb with a 20 ounce waffled framing hammer. It was funny because I was in a good frame of mind or something. I looked at my thumb and said "OK that didn't hurt." Wrapped it up with a rag and went back to work. Later I told the story to a preacher and he said, "You did not!" Really! Thought I did. I didn't use any profanity, just calm. Isn't always that way. Maybe I can get into a calm way. However if I ever get in contact with her again I won't put up with her jabbing me. Not going to take that any more. I gave to much lee way.
LIke your pic.
Take care, Mark
So sorry for all your loses. I know it is not easy. Losing your wife like you did is another story. I never had that happen to me so I do not know how to respond to that. I cannot believe the hospital did that to you. Does not sound like a very good place.
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1 ReactionI lost my mother too in 2014 and its so hard especially when you deal with depression too. I am 57 also and I do not know about you but the older I get the more I cry it seems. The guilt and sadness you feel all the time. The alone feelings were my worse, or is my worse because I constantly feel alone even though I am not, as I use to call her every day and now nothing. Prayers for you.
What kind of fur baby do you have? I have a Morkie, Zozo, who is 14, and 2 Huskies, Zeus and Dolly. They are 3 and 4 years old, I think..
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4 Reactions@muppey I live in Ohio. I was in Alabama for 10 years I think it was, and moved back because I missed my family. I now miss the warm weather in Alabama. I hate the cold but my family is more important to me.
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1 Reaction@muppey Funny you should mention the stop smoking stuff. I am doing the same thing but I have the patch. I have been doing great for 2 weeks not smoking now I am having panic attacks. I get mad at myself because I have tried this several times and the panic attacks come back no matter what I try. I tried Welbutriun and after a month it made me mean and I am not a mean person at all. So back to doctor soon to get something for these attacks and then try again. Good luck with yours. I hope it works for you because I know who much better I feel when I don't smoke. God Bless
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1 Reaction@muppey
I remember hitting my thumb and finger once, and didn't say anything. A man who was there with me said, "I bet there are times when you wish you weren't a minister!"
Jim
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3 Reactions@littleonefmohio, Should have guessed...it's in your name there?? On the smoking I'm wondering if I can do it. I'm still trying to wrap my head around what happened.
Another thing is I don't want another seizure experience and I know I'm giving up another 'friend' which comforts me. OK weird. But it's also weird waking up in the ER. I do have anti-seizure meds so I hope that's enough.
AA warned us not to try everything in one go. "Smoke if you need to and stop when you get better!"
Don't know why every thing gets all screwed up in such a short time. I've read other peoples situations and mine isn't near theirs. But it is my problem so it seems important to me and maybe no one else gives a hoot.
Hope you have success in quitting. I've been thinking about this for a good while now even way before the roof caved in.
I'll say another prayer for you, might become a habit as I'm doing that for my x, not that I want her back here to much lying.
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1 Reaction@jimhd, Now that's funny Jim. "...wish you weren't a minister?" Thanks for the funny. See you can do it!
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1 Reaction@amberpep, Just starting on this divorce trip. The sheriff never got my signature when he served me. I reviewed the law and it states that a signature is needed for the serving. However it's all no fault in CA, so I won't need to go to court or anything. The clerk said just do nothing, that's the fastest way to get rid of her.
The serving for signature can be done via, certified mail or a process server and of course the sheriff. Sometimes people get angry and up here where help is like 30 minutes away, I think they prefer a deputy do the serving instead of a little girl.
I've just been passive about all this because that's the way it is. I told my wife that I can be mean but I prefer to be nice. That was several months ago.
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