@2011panc, Hi again, just dug a lot of emails from my spam file. Told the stupid computer not to do that. Doubt if I ever missed any of The Gong Show, funniest guy and goofy. The Unknown Comic was a funny guy too. Went to a costume party once where I really disguised myself and had the best time. Something about incognito I think.

I really appreciate your writing because it smacks me upside the head and makes me think. I prefer honest rather than sneak attack, don't think I'll ever get over that, coupled with the gossip bombs.

How far back does your betrayal go? MIne is Feb 1 + plus what I see on the phone bill, not going back and checking, one month is enough. Mean stuff, so not to long ago.

Strange thing happened yesterday. At the store I ran into a young lady I've known for a long time as friends, she was married and then in January she was ghosted by her husband and I can't believe it...she's a sweat heart and a little thing, but don't let that fool you. Anyway she told me to call if I want to talk and she'd bring her infant son by and visit. She had her horse on my property for a few years. Don't know what happened but I felt better than I had in a long time. Probably because she's the first human I've talked with in over a month. She gave me a hug. I'm an old guy and she's young so we're just friends. I do say hello and stuff to the grocery clerk and others and sometimes I can make them laugh like this morning, I said something to the grocery lady and she laughed and said, "You just woke me up." Funny.

Make my think!
Take care.
Mark

@muppey Thank you. Yah, I don't do fake well. I've been thinking that my ex-husband could probably accuse me of betrayal because I left him, however it was not planned. I was running in fear and disgust when I left. I've been betrayed several times through my lifetime, but the one that hurt the most was with my ex-husband. Looking back on it I have to say that they started while we were still dating. He is a chronic liar and seemed to get some kind of kick out of spilling my secrets at the most inopportune times. Contrarily, most of what he told me I found out later to be untrue. No matter, I kept the secrets he asked me to keep unless they were secrets that should not be kept. Something he said during the divorce proceedings sums up our relationship very well, though I know he didn't mean it to. He said that it was my wedding, my marriage, my children, and my divorce. He disavowed any participation or responsibility -- that was probably the most honest thing he said and did. I left after it became clear that he had checked out of the marriage except for legally. There is a great deal of other information, and if you feel the need for it I will share, but in a private message.
It's a nasty thing for Mary to have tried to block your planned retirement plans. Hopefully you can contact them and reestablish communications if that is what you desire. It baffles me that she would enter into retirement planning at the same time she is setting up her exit from your marriage.
What a wonderful thing for you to reach out to service people and old friends. They and your sense of humor will help get you through. If you are like me (and I suspect most people are) some days will be bad while others are good. You will know you are moving in the right direction when there are more good days than bad. I have a great deal of baggage, but over the last 30+ years (since I met my current husband) there have been many more good days than bad and I am grateful every day.
Most of my current baggage relates to my health issues and in that regard there are way too many bad days, but they pass.
Blessings.

Sorry about those health issues. I'm thankful for my good health, if I could find work I'd be better off. Maybe resurrect my Home Inspection service except now but I'm not supposed to drive or climb roofs. Ok one health fault, seizure's, where I go unconscious for how long? No one's told me that, and never thought to ask except I was able to guess on the last one, 5-6 hours.

Lying is another one, how long has he been lying to your, what's true today and what's a lie tomorrow? I really don't know how long wifey was lying to me but I could always check the phone bills but that would only depress me. Saw the last one and that was enough, usually just paid and mailed it off and stuck it in the file.

Hard to live with knowing that you're x husband would be so rude as to tell people your secrets. What the heck is that? "Honey, I'm telling you this in strict confidence and I trust you." Bad thing to do to you, and it really hurts that people can do that to some one they are supposed to love and "cherish". I like that word but who knows about that anymore?

I'm doing pretty good yesterday and today. (Sheesh, I've heard two loud explosions today and that was the second one, not lightning.) I can only put it to the little conversation I had with my friend Mezi. Her husband ghosted her in January but I only talked to her in the store parking lot for about and hour after that and then just the other day for about 5 minutes in the store.

Can you help me with this one. I've known Mezi since she was a little girl and it's been boarding her horse here, her and Joe would do work for me and I'd save bottles and cans and they'd pick them up every month or so. About 18 years now I think.
What I'm getting at is she told me to call her and she let me know that her son goes to bed around 7 and has nothing to do after that. I'm hesitating on calling her because I'm me. I would like to know how she's doing but I always hesitate and I often am wrong in my thinking about people. Guess that's why I always end up alone, used to it now, but I still like people. Just don't cross me else you aren't a friend of mine... Appreciate from a female mind. I'd call the guy friend but I can't believe he dropped a gossip bomb on me. Why'd he do that?

I understand about the private talk stuff also. Something in the army really pissed me off but it's one of those things that's as crappy as gossip and people spread damn lies about you. Walking away time....Confused the idiots but they didn't have to lie about me. But I wouldn't post that out in the open because it was mean and to stupid to broadcast. Only shared that with Mary and no one else.

I only talked about that helping people thing because it won't go beyond this site. I know lots of people do the same so I'm no different it's being human. I don't keep track but I know what I do and then forget it. I'm pretty handy so it doesn't seem like a big deal. If I dared share something like what I wrote with my stepson he'd say "Where do you come up with this BS." Up yours Jon, I've had a life and I've done stuff.

I'm also a Boy Scout, sneaked in a year early and no one said anything, just wanted to go adventuring, and we did, a lot with Scout Master Mr. Ratto, great guy. Skipper Kunz was our Sea Scout...Skipper. He was a Flying Tiger over China in WWll also. Great guys.

@muppey I apologize for not responding to this post sooner. Yesterday was not a good day for me and I did not do much on the computer. Today is better and I am so happy I was able to get a haircut, do some shopping and take a long walk at the warehouse store. I am recovering from back surgery and right now walking is the only exercise I am cleared to do. I was really in bad shape physically before the surgery, so I have a long way to go. I am looking forward to restarting physical rehab, hopefully next month. Before the surgery I had to use a wheelchair for shop and still had pain. SO glad to bid that pain farewell! My initial walking goal was 500 steps a day. Not much but still a reach for me at that time. This morning I took 800 steps at the store with no pain. What a relief and good feeling.
Saw one of my hateful family members at the store. On the way home I asked my husband if he had seen her, but he had not. I commented that she always looks so mad and that must be a sad life. He surprised me when he said that I don't look very happy when I shop either. Good to know! I told him it is probably because I am concentrating so hard. I told him I always smile at the children. Like you, I love children. Also, 24 hour pain for over a year doesn't make for good facial expressions either.
You asked for my help with Mezi. I am not exactly sure what help you need, but if it is that you are uncomfortable befriending her because she is a younger, cute female, I say that is a limitation you are putting on yourself. I have had several very close male friends during my lifetime. I know many people misjudge male/female friendships and often assume "something more" is going on. As far as her letting you know that she is available to talk after her son goes down for the night, I think she is just letting you know that is would like to talk more with you without being interrupted by her son or having to hold back on certain topics because he might overhear. Nothing more than that. It certainly takes care of the possibility of people's misconceptions about your relationship with her. With that in mind, when you do meet it is good to meet in public areas so that people can clearly see that you are just friends. I say this because some people tried to start a rumor about me having an affair with one of my male friends. He was so mad when he found out that he stood up at the next community meeting and addressed it by saying that anyone who had questions about our relationship should talk directly to either of us or my husband. We are all friends so they should "get their minds out of the gutter" just because they cannot handle befriending certain people.
Like you, I like to help people and just do whatever I can when I see a place that I can help. Also like you, I do not keep a tally and have often been confronted with questions like, "when did you ever do anything for me"? My standard response is that I don't keep track, it is not a contest, it just is what I do. Why do some people always try to make things a contest? Those people tire me.
I hope you have nice plans for Easter Sunday. We are invited to my sister-in-laws for dinner. Since it is April 1st I plan to call her just before we arrive and tell her that we are not coming. I love pulling April Fool's pranks. I feel a little guilty about not spending the day with my mother, but hopefully we can go see her Saturday to make up for not seeing her on Sunday. It has been over a month since I was able to see her and I know she looks forward to my visits and worries about my health.
Thank you for befriending me. It means more to me than I think you know. Blessings.

@2011panc, I sure hope your back surgery goes well. Back pain is awful stuff. Once in a while my lower back goes out somewhere, it never tells me until the pain sets in. You have a step counter? I'd never finish the count.
I have one sour puss in town, I did some work for them and returned some decking which I'd purchased but they wanted the money. It don't work that way honey. I'd go broke giving my money away??? Anyway her husband is a big ol' retired Marine and I was at the local little store gas station food etc. I saw the guy coming to the door as I was leaving. I put out my hand to shake his hand and he pulled his hand back and called me a "a blankety THIEF." There were about 20-30 guys outside drinking coffee and they all moved away from the two of us. Dang but that guy was a biggy. I just told him it was not his material and he just got madder and I left. Latter gave him the contractors Lic. Board number and told him to tell them his sorrows. They agreed with me.
Just another stupid going on. It doesn't do your reputation any good when someone let's the whole crowd that I am a thief. Darn lying stuff...This town has a population of 2300. Gossip goes fast like a jet plane.

Panc, Mezi came by the other morn with her toddler son and a breakfast sandwich for me. We talked for about two hours before she had to get to work.

Not doing anything on Easter. It'll take care of itself. Not supposed to drive anyway, I do but I could get in trouble for doing that.

Maybe I'll play John Denver's song, "Some days are Diamonds Some days are Stone..." It's a sad song but I like John. Lived in Half Moon Bay when he chose to dive his plane just off the shore.
Just reached for a Cigar and there aren't any...
Enough for the moment
Take Care.
Mark

@muppey I only know about seizures from taking care of my youngest. He was born with brain damage affecting the emotional management of his brain. he started having seizures when he was about 6 months old. At the time they called them grand mal seizures, meaning that he lost consciousness and lost complete control of his entire body. I always thought that he knew I was there because when I touched him and talked to him the seizure seem to lessen some. He never came out on his own, I always took him to the ER and they would give him a shot of something, I don't remember what it was but it stopped the seizure. After a while I realized that with every seizure he lost knowledge and progress. He had to "relearn" things that he had been able to do before the seizure. Following the ambulance 100 miles to the nearest town with a neonatal pediatrician I remember praying. I started out asking God to keep him alive at least until I got there. Then I realized I wasn't sure that I wanted to hold him and watch him pass on. I ended up amending my prayer for God to take him or not, whatever He needed to do, but if he wasn't going to take him home He should give him enough healing to be able to live in comfort and not have to miss so much of life by spending so much time with seizures or in the hospital. That is the first prayer that I became aware that God not only listened to all our prayers but answered them also. My son is now in his 30s and has been mostly seizure-free since he was 7. It took a while to get the right medication and the dose kept changing during his growing years, but he is doing wonderfully well.

I also had a friend in high school that had seizures and was so elated when he had been seizure free long enough to get his driver's license. He drove everywhere and any time he could.

The closest I can come to that experience is passing out, having a bad hypoglycemic episode or coming out of anesthesia and having people tell me things I did or said but having no memory of it. I passed out at Wal-Mart once and remember the paramedic trying to get me to eat a glucouse tablet but I couldn't control my jaw to manage that. Next thing I knew I woke up in a hospital room with the nurse asking me if I knew where I was. I guessed I was in an ER somewhere but didn't recognize the room and thought they might have taken me to another town. They quickly set me straight on that. The paramedic had stuck around and came in to check on me before leaving the hospital. That was so nice. She was a teen that I had chaperoned and tutored when she was in high school.

I was completely worn out after every episode and my son seemed to be just as worn out after a seizure, so that is as close as I can relate. I can relate much more to losing my independence and ability to jump in the car and go wherever and whenever I wanted. Most days it didn't bother me much but there were a few days when I felt up to taking myself somewhere but was not sure I could get myself back. I am sure glad those days are in the rearview mirror. Even though I am not driving until I get off these opioids I am currently taking I'm okay with that. I'm down to 1 a day most days and just about ready to stop completely. I'll try again in a few days.

No cigar. Boo Hoo. You know I'm not sorry for you. lol Seriously, I hope you make it no matter how many times you have to quit. Blessings.

@2011panc, BOO HOO to you too! "More than anything else, I'm sorry for myself...living without you!' John Dnever.

The seizure thing is fairly recent for me, around 2011 had my first one at a stupid college graduation banquet in the school cafeteria. Wanted to head out to Shasta County for my sons wedding but my stepsons wife wanted to go to the banquet. this was down in Alameda County on the SF Bay, and a five hour drive to Shasta. Couldn't do it. Anyway the place was so noisy and everyone was talking some foreign language and I wanted to tell them to shut up. Then I went outside saw Mary and told her I needed some air, there she blows. Hospital time in the middle of a party. Hope I didn't ruin it for them.

Last one I remember talking to the docs which was funny because I couldn't remember who the president was and that bugged me so I stayed the doc until I could pull my brain together and get 'President Trump' out.
I remember the VA check in nurse was asking my brother Steve all these sorts of questions so I told her he wasn't a drunk, (he looked like one). I told her there is something wrong inside his head. Bummed me out when the docs took me into a room and explained the problem. Large tumor on the left front side. Got it fixed and he lived for another two years. He did have some powerful seizures long before that but the docs at Peninsula Hospital in Burlingame, my home town, dismissed them as not much. Oh well!

"You know I'm not sorry for you" ...see second sentence above.

@2011panc,
You said, "I was running in fear and disgust when I left." Well that's one thing which bothers me a lot. It's strange what they did and I know it was all planned. When Mary called me and left that first message I went into shock because of the things she said. "I was panicked and...you, you and you". Can't recall everything she said but it was mean. Mary said she just happened to meet her girlfriend Traci at the hair shop but I don't believe that at all. Traci was there and I'm sure it was all according to plan. Now I know Mary is a liar and that really bothers me too, how long she was lying to me is upsetting because we were still talking and I can't believe I was just played like that. Mary's first x husband was in on the plan.

The VA therapist told me to make a compliant to the hospital because, she said, that kind of information is just more ammo in her pouch.

Just boggles my mind when I think about it. I already knew that Steve was a liar as Mary had told me over the years, and at family party's and stuff I'd talk some with him and it was pretty easy to figure him out. Thought Mary still hated him so I wasn't worried about anything like that. Fooled me!
Take care!
Mark

@2011panc, Hi, panc! Just wondering how you and your husband are getting along.
Just doing some house cleaning and found a bunch of Mary's high school year books, old wedding stuff of her 1st x and misc. other stuff so I was busy sending that back to her. Good thing it can go 'book class', a lot cheaper.
I've been getting better and have decided to go back to AA meetings as a bottle of whiskey and a couple packs of cigars are looking better each day.
My son got me on linkedin and this morning got a message from a guy I've know from AA for a few years. Thought he moved away. He drives past me on his way to work so I wonder why he never stopped. Not that big a deal to just pull to the side and say hi. He lives way down in the canyon over the hill from me and I've never been to his place and don't like doing cold drop in's especially when he's busy with his own family etc. He gave me his cell number. It's just me!

One good thing is I can get to sleep about 10 pm now instead of 12 -1:30 am. That was getting a little to much as I'd always wake at 5:00, old work habit which I don't mind but I need a little more sleep than that.

@muppey Good thing to clear out the "old regime"! I think your decision to resume AA support is also good. It is at times when we are emotionally hurt that it is easiest to relapse. I did join linkedin for someone else, but have not been active. I just do not feel drawn to that site. I am glad it worked for you to reconnect with an old friend. I am guessing that he does not stop by your place for the same reason that you do not do "dropins". A better sleeping schedule will only aid your continued healing. I am glad for you for that.

My husband and I are doing very well. He retired a few months ago and I am happy to say that the things I was concerned about have not happened. He went to a meeting a few nights ago and got news about several old friends (couples) that are not doing well. It is amazing what can go on when you lose touch with people. A part of their discussion turned to their shared experiences of retirement. we had a chuckle together about the fact that we have not had any of the irritations that often come from increased contact following retirement. We have always been "independently together" in our marriage. By that I mean that we each had our own careers and interests and enjoyed them separately, making it fun to get back together and share our experiences. Thinking back on our lives together, I probably should not have felt any concerns. When we were first together we spent a great deal of time in tents both with and without our children. I am happy that we have those memories and still have that ability to work together.

I always say, "love is what you do, not what happens to you" and "love is a decision" and "love requires respect first". I believe these things and have watched them benefit my marriage. It helps me to feel in control of what is happening to me rather than feeling smacked or blessed by "fate".

Take care and Blessings to you.