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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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@kathy4385 I am glad that you know staying home alone is not the answer. I was discussing that very fact with a coworker before opening up @kanaaspereira's response to you. When my Dad died it was horrible. I wanted to curl up in a ball and never leave my bed. I became a walking empty shell. Logically I knew I had to get up, get out. I forced myself to do things that had brought me joy before: dancing and live music, but they brought me nothing inside at first. Eventually they did. I was just starting to feel again when my best friend was placed on life support. I could only emotionally stand to go be in the hospital with her and the family for for a few days. I said my good bye to her. On the day they took her off life support I choose not to go. Instead I went (it was a holiday) with 2 friends to an event. These two people where the only ones I wanted to be around that day. Why both knew grief and lost well, both had been widowed and lost loved ones from the disease taking my friend. I am forever grateful for them. They allowed me to feel and be without judgement. I pray you find those same type of people not only here but in person as well. So even if you feel little or nothing find some activity outside your home, church, volunteering (animal shelters, senior centers, museums). You do have a reason to be here. Hopefully that will reason will come to you and your heart will find joy again. Will you always feel the loss, will you always have moments of grief YES. They will be less often. Your heart will always have a hole but spending time with other pushes the walls and you find some of the space is occupied by others. I say that as I sit here with waves of gratefulness and immense sorrow washing over me as my three days ago I discovered my mom passed away in her sleep. In the last 17 months My Dad died, my best friend died, and my Mom died. I live three blocks from my parents. I spent almost 3 to 5 days a week with them. In the past 10 years I have not had more than a handful of weeks that I did not see them. It isn't exactly how you feel but some of those feeling are the same. There is something else other than what your going through now. Don't stop searching.
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3 ReactionsHi hopeful, Confusion! You are right. I'm sitting here because there's not much to do and it's raining which is good, fill up my well. I was doing a lot better before the gossip hit me, and it came from a "friend" and it's true. There were some letters and he said, "I know about the lertters." Great! If you know about that then I'm sure you know more! Didn't say that to him because it took a few days to comprehend what that entails.
Been wondering if I should just pick up and move out of here. I'd have to move to another small town but it's near my brothers and my youngest son. Money is the problem though. Can't figure it all so I really think I'll be here for a while at least.
Thanks! Mark
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1 ReactionI sounds contradictory in the above post but it turned out that way because the Privacy Officer kept probing me and I refused to give out Traci's name. Just confused. Guilty as charged, "...judge not least you be judged."
Hi lisalucier, The VA is not that flexible. If I rescheduled it would put me to a later date not sooner. It was kind of funny but not to much, maybe another word. I asked the therapist what can I do with the gossip? She just told me to ignore it. I don't think that helped any but it's true, nothing you can do.
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2 Reactions@muppey
Mark, I wrote a response but it disappeared after it took a long time trying to send. Maybe I'll try again later. I haven't been looking at the Mayo posts for a few days because they got backed up and it was too overwhelming for me.
Jim
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1 ReactionI know my story is not unique, but as you know you cant see the light thru all the clouds, seems like my life lately is just full of losses, as yours seems to be. I'm sorry for your losses, and I in no way want to make less of them. As you too are grieving,, sometimes I just feel so empty, and just cant seem to find the joy. Mostly its the loss of my church that seems the hardest to take. Was such a huge part of our lives for so many years, all of our 40 yrs of marriage, now so empty, not there, not place for me to fit in. there is much more to that story,
I was very close to my dad too, and lost him when he was only 47, and I was just a young mother. Then shortly after my grandmother died, who was more of a mother to me then my own mother. But none of those compared to the loss of my husband, as then I had him to help me get thru, now I'm all alone. all my kids live far away, and are busy with there families. I think its the loneliness, that is the hardest for me. And I just cant make myself go anywhere, just easier to stay home then to go out and feel like I'm alone in a crowd. I always go with those who come and say lets go do something, but dont go out on my own. And those outings are few and far in-between
I just want to join my husband, dying of a broken heart. and cant wait. but suicide is not an option. I know that. No reason to want life or to choose it.
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1 ReactionStill just wondering what that God given work is, and when will I know???? Really I just want to be useful and needed.
thanks
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1 Reactionthanks for the note, The one think I know that has not left me is God, My relationship has gotten much stronger with him since being abandoned, and left alone, God never leaves us, I am confident of that. Been keeping my mind on Him, doing study's on grief, depression, and loneliness. Memorizing a lot of scriptures too. Listen to our churches sermons on Pod Cast. Its just not the same as being there, and just dont feel I belong anymore, cant explain.
I spend a lot of time with my horses, and outside cutting wood or gardening or mowing. but that is summer time stuff. Its the winters I have such a hard time with.
Also miss being able to have foster kids, seems the county doesn't need lonely people like me to take care of kids.
thanks for the visit
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1 Reaction@munashi I once wrote an article about patience to recount my experiences. I have prayed for patience since I was a teenager and God has definitely answered that prayer and answered it with a resounding YES! Since you are requesting it do not be surprised when irritating things start popping up in your life and you find yourself waiting on other people to do, start, or finish a joint project. Just start watching for them. They will come.
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1 Reaction2011panc, I don't know that i'd pray for patience again, takes to long! I really did ask for patience way back when I was about 25. You are right about "irritating things start popping up". I'll make it but darn, people think your crazy sometimes. When Mary and her son came up here to get her stuff I was polite and helped load some of the stuff. Kind of irritated me that they left Mary's office a mess with stuff they didn't want. Haven't been back there since. Cost me $40,000 to build it for her but she was really to sick to continue so I told her to quit after about six months, beautiful office, looks better than our cottage. Oh well.