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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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May you be comforted among the others who mourn.
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5 ReactionsOver the years I've lost my grandmother, father, mother, and two brothers. Feb 1, 2018 my wife of 22 years disappeared from my life, she never returned from the beauty shop, the pain of being ghosted is incredible, I wound up in the hospital due to that where I went unconscious for 5-6 hours. The ER literally kicked me into the waiting room, maybe they thought I was ok but I didn't because I knew I was going under but they wouldn't listen. Just get him out of here. This took place sometime after 1:30 am. Time is messed up but my brother had just walked in the room and I had moved away from a little girl who sat by me because I didn't want her to get hurt...then I blacked out and woke up at 12:30, 5-6 hours unconscious.
I was well aware that my family members were dying. Brother Stephen lived in the Sierras and I was 150 miles away when I decided to go get him as I knew something was very wrong. I drove up there then back down to the Palo Alto, CA, VA hospital. They thought he was just a drunk but I told them he drinks a lot of coffer and sometimes a beer or two. I'm an AA alcoholic so I know some about that. Anyway turned out he had a large tumor on his brain which the doctors at Stanford Medical removed. Stephen lived another 2 years. Right before that my brother John died at home due to some in operable stomach thing. Doctors at UC Davis, CA, could not tell us what the problem was.
There is lots more but losing your wife and she's still living far away is something no person should go through. Does she just hate me? I know death but when it happens over a course of time and you're prepared for it it's not as bad as this.
When I knew Stephen was dying I did the same thing, drove up to the mountains and brought him back to the VA Hospital where the Doctors told me he was dying. They were good to him and placed him in a home in Palo Alto where he died within a few weeks. Miss him a lot. The end for now. Good to write this stuff down. Thanks!
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4 ReactionsOne person I read on the internet said that your grief is real and you should acknowledge it and cry if you want and not feel like your doing something weak. Death of a loved one is rated as the most painful, and death of a marriage is the second most devastating trauma a person can go through. I suppose if you don't like your spouse or hate him then there is no problem on her part but the dumped person can suffer greatly. It hurts a lot. Grieve if you need to.
Sorry for your loss.
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3 ReactionsAmberpep, My wife just disappeared Feb 1. Just poof, gone. She called about 5-6 hours later and by that time I knew she was gone and my body started shutting down. When she called I couldn't move so it went to the recording and she told me to pick up the phone but I couldn't, then she says she is at her sons place and will not come home. Then she tells me she is divorcing me. I was clueless. The reason I went into shock was my landlord knocked on my door before the phone call and dangled an envelope at me so I said, "What's this?" I don't know Mary just asked me to give it to you. I opened it and there was some money and a receipt from the bank saying this account is closed! What? That was a blow, then the phone call then a few hours after the phone call her son had driven 150 miles to pick up Mary's clothes and medicine. Her girl friend was there and she barged into my home and Jon guarded the door. I thought he was a friend but I think Mary poisoned the well because he was angry.
Anyway I wound up in the hospital after sitting paralyzed in this chair for hours until some time after 1:30 am. Ambulance picked me up and during the ride I was about half conscious when the Paramedic was doing her tests. She yelled, "Holy crap man are you trying to kill yourself?" Well that startled me. Is Mary killing me? Anyway she told the driver to "speed'er up, we gotta get there fast." I survived but I was out for about 5-6 hours and they wouldn't let me go when my brother came to pick me up. A night in the hospital is as boring as watching paint dry. Now I've got a medical restriction on my drivers license but live in the middle of no where so I have to drive like a criminal. The law states that they can impound my jeep and in extreme toss me in jail. Mean stuff. There's lots more to this story which includes lots of deceit as I discover what she did. Gossip bombs left behind. She called about 7 times but every time she twisted her nasty dagger a bit so I'd get po'd and say goodbye and hang up on her. She was so sweet before. Then she joined a crazy church which her son and her 1st x belong to. Long story. I should stop for now...good to write it down though, thanks for listening. VA is taking care of me know.
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1 ReactionThe grief lasts that long? I'm like 45 days out from when my wife disappeared from my life. Head is still foggy but I don't want to worry about this for that long. We were together for almost 22 years.
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1 ReactionHello @muppey
I appreciate your sharing your story at Mayo Connect - and we welcome you!
You have experienced a lot of loss in just a short period of time and your feelings are certainly understandable. As you said in your last sentence, "Good to write this stuff down." Yes, expressing these experiences and the feelings that go with them is very important to your healing from losses - it is important to all of us!
If you care to share more, what type of support system do you have in place now? Do you have friends, are you part of organizations that can offer you companionship and support? Are you able to see a doctor or counselor to help you?
I look forward to hearing from you again - keep posting. We will encourage and support you.
Teresa
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4 ReactionsThanks Teresa, I've never been very social and have a difficult time making friends. When they lie to me or betray my trust I can't be around them. I live in the middle of no where as far as walking to town to buy food. What happens when you go unconscious is the hospital reports that to the DMV and they put a restriction on your drivers licensee. I have to drive, so seems silly but I'm breaking the law. Maybe my doctor can fix that.
I thought I had two friends, a married couple, but the last time Larry came by he dropped a gossip bomb on me. He said, "I know about those letters!" It's a long story but looking back...lies and deceit which is hard to bare, can't believe Mary would do all this to me as I found her lost in the Stanislaus Forest where she'd spent the night wandering around because she'd gotten drunk the night before. At that time she was in torment because her son had just died of suicide, he hung himself in a cemetery in Oakland, CA. I talked to the Oakland police detectives who investigated and they groaned when I mentioned the episode. They didn't want to talk about it. Feel for those cops for their job and misery they encounter.
Anyway the only support I've got right now as I don't trust the gossip mongers, is with a Veterans Admin. therapist. I've been to one meeting with her and have another for April 5. My two sons Navy Chief Jesse and Stephen Luke is a PHd in Agricultural Chemistry and a chemistry teacher now. I'm very proud of them and my son Jesse called one day and said, "Dad you raised us right." Still chokes me up when I think about that. They're about the only ones for support but they live a long ways from me.
I learned that my family did not like Mary much at all. When I married her she was sort of ok for a year or so but after that she went into deep mourning and turned to just wearing black and no longer was the pretty girl I found lost in the woods, but I decided to help her and wait it out as I liked her and we had a lot of talk over the years. I also started buying her colorful clothes over the internet. I guessed her size and got it right and she really liked that and started wearing a dress and a colorful blouse and I like that. But after feeling better she disappeared, after 22 years. What is that?
Getting to long here so Thanks for your post. Gonna read it again.
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4 ReactionsPlease trust me on this, it happened during a Reiki experience 20 or more years ago, rather not go into detail publicly (but will privately), but I ASSURE YOU that a love that strong is too strong to end at death. Your wife is with you, albeit as a soul, and is probably around you, knows everything, and wants the best for you to move on to happiness (just as you would have wanted for her had you gone first).
@muppey
Thanks for sharing more about yourself. I am glad to hear that you have a therapist through the VA, and that you are finding that relationship good. It is also good that your children are supportive of you, even though they live a distance from you. The fact that they express appreciation for you is important.
Continue to give yourself time to adjust to all of these losses. There is way through them, but it does take time and the amount of time is different for everyone.
I wish you well and look forward to hearing from you again.
Teresa
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2 ReactionsHello @kathy4385,
Welcome to Connect; I'm so glad you've joined us – more often than not, we get depressed because of loneliness, and connecting with another person can make all the difference in recovery. Thank you for sharing your story too, because I am confident that you now belong to this wonderful community, where many members have shared similar experiences, and I hope you find support and encouragement in their stories.
It sucks to feel like this – I get it. I haven't experienced your struggles, but when I get lonely and down, I long for somebody to talk to, somebody who will understand and not judge me. At such times, I know I’m not any fun to spend time with because I have a hard time enjoying the things I used to do. The more I dwell on that, the less motivation I have to reach out to people.
It’s sad that feeling like this can sometimes drive loved ones and friends away, but I often think that maybe it's because they don’t understand, or feel awkward and don’t know how to help, or are busy?
I'm sure that @parus @vthatch @georgette12 @kdawn32 @harriethodgson1 Mentor @hopeful33250 and others in this group will return to share their wisdom and thoughts with you.
As people, we thrive on connections, social interactions. @kathy4385, have you shared your feelings and grief with your friends or relatives? Perhaps letting them know that their friendship or support will help you work towards moving ahead? What about talking to a counselor or therapist?
You mentioned you have animals to care for; could you tell us more about your pets?
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5 Reactions