Teresa. .. Re sharing a pleasant memory of my son. We were estranged for a number of years due to his father and stepmother's influence. My son had a mental illness. When his father died 2 years before his suicide, I tried to help him with his loss. His mental illness got worse. He told me he planned to kill himself. I was not able to stop him in time. I have tried to recall pleasant times and find that recalling those times makes me feel awful. I just live with the fact I could not save him. Thank you for asking.

@georgette12 I get it about even recalling the good times. Still, I try to hold onto these even if the horrific memories oft accompany the happy ones.

@georgette12

It is often hard to communicate with someone with mental illness.You reached out to him and you tried to communicate. Even though it might not feel like it made a difference, he did know that you cared and that is important for both you and him.

Teresa

Such a traumatic time in your life. I'm sorry about your husband. I pray he finds a job soon. I was the office manager for a counseling center for many years I've seen this many times. When a person decides to end their life they're in such a dark hole. They don't stop to think of how their death will affect their loved ones. I sure wish they would. I think you said you also found your son. That and seeing what you saw (I know, my uncle shot himself and without going into detail the stuff to be dealt with afterwards was horrific) I hope that you can find some peace in knowing that you loved him and he knew that. You were not the reason for his actions. Try to find a local support group. I think it would help. Praying for you!

@kdo0827

Having attempted suicide a number of times, I can tell you that in that moment, suicide becomes a rational solution to resolve the pain. Normally, I see it for the irrational thought pattern that it is. The suicidal mind is out of sync.

My experience is that the suicidal decision is arrived at over a period of time. I imagine that the process is unique to each person.

@georgette12 I know that you saw your son move through a very painful couple of years, and it must have been hard to watch and feel helpless to stop it. He knew that you cared, and I suspect that he felt a lot of guilt knowing that he was a source of distress for you. At least, that has been true for me.

I know the harm I would cause if I were to end my life, especially to my wife and children, and that's the primary motivator to keep going with life. As I said, though, those rational thoughts gradually disappear, the deeper I get into the darkness of depression.

I think that once a person has put a plan in place and decided to commit suicide, it becomes more and more difficult to get them to stop, unless you can physically restrain them in time. When I'm at that point, I don't want to talk to anyone about it, and I'm very unlikely to call a suicide hotline or a person who might try to talk me out of it.

I hope that no one here feels responsible for a loved one's suicide.

Jim

@jimhd

Thanks for those excellent thoughts Jim.

Teresa