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~ Angry: Can't Get to My Therapist ~

Mental Health | Last Active: Dec 21, 2017 | Replies (22)

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@welshcarer

Oh my goodness, I do so understand your anger. We all have friends that sail through life don’t we? The perfect childhood, the perfect marriage, the perfect children who have perfect marriages and perfect grandchildren and then the perfect retirement. Why do some have such a life and some have so many problems and so many struggles? We will never know the answer to that but if (like me) you don’t have the perfect anything then we need to find a way to cope with what we do have.
My brother and I were physically abused by our father and beaten for our entire childhood / young adult years. Maybe it is understandable as my father had in turn been physically abused by his father. Years ago, I chose to forgive our father but (even as we both approach our 60’s) my brother still harbours great anger about it. When my daughter was born I knew it was within me to be abusive to her too. She was a difficult baby. I was in a strange country where I knew nobody and she never slept. I was exhausted. I could have been violent at times. However, I chose to break the cycle and not carry on as previous generations had.
My daughter (who is now a single mother) has mental health problems and I choose to spend as much time as I can with my 7 year old grandson to give him respite.
Three years ago my mother (who lived in Spain) came to live with me as she had dementia. I could have put her in a home but I chose to have her living in our house. It is exhausting and depressing dealing with all the problems in my life.
But I have been made to realise that although it may seem like a Hobson’s choice everything that robs me of my independence and patience and sanity has actually been my choice. When I can acknowledge that, I feel much better. When talking to people about my situation, I used to say ‘I had to give up a good job to look after Mum’. Now I say, ‘I gave up work to look after Mum’. It was my choice. It is sometimes hard to see this but it is true.
Also, never underestimate the power of good nutrition to counteract unhealthy moods. Try to make sure you cut right back on sugar and alcohol and all the things that give you a quick high but make the situation worse in the long run. Try to eat healthily and make sure you are getting the right vitamins and minerals. A lack of B vitamins or iron can increase feelings of anger. If you can afford it, find a good nutritionist to advise you.
Learn how to be Kind to YOURSELF. I am still trying to do this! In fact the person who most of my anger is directed at is ME. Making silly mistakes makes me angry. Being frustrated with Mum makes me angry when I know she can’t help her behaviour and I should know better.
Be thankful for the blessings in your life. I know it can be hard when you can only see the negatives but there is always something to be thankful for. Knowing you have a huge pile of ironing to do might make you feel angry HOWEVER there are people who would give anything to be well enough to be able to physically do that ironing. So as you pick up that iron, say thank you that you can actually do it.
Lastly, (if you are still awake after all this!) try this for immediately calming you down. Breathe in deeply to the count of 4. Hold for a count of 7. Breathe out to the count of 8. This immediately puts your body into a more relaxed state. (I use it often, especially when holding on the phone for ages and wanting to reach inside the phone and strangle the person who says repeatedly: ‘your call is important to us and will be answered shortly’!). It is also very good for helping you to sleep. Do it before going to sleep and again if you wake up in the night.
I hope some of the above will be of help to somebody.

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Replies to "Oh my goodness, I do so understand your anger. We all have friends that sail through..."

Hi there ..... first of all CONGRATULATIONS to you for breaking the family cycle of abuse. That is not an easy thing to determine and then follow through with .... I know because that's what I did. Part of what you said, hit the nail on the head .... ever since my divorce, I hate to cook. And this who was previously considered a great cook ..... not so anymore .... now it's mostly Lean Cuisine dinners for supper, and often I don't even eat lunch. I know, I know ..... that's awful. I'm also a sugarholic ..... love chocolate. For some reason it's just not fun to cook for 1 person. When I lived in MD I had a friend in the same condo building as I did, who had Parkinson's, but was still able to stay alone. Each week I'd make a real good meal - enough for her to have 2 meals and me to have 1. Now I live in VA, which I'm not crazy about, and there's no one to do that for, so I just don't. There is an elderly couple on my floor who are very, very, frail and I will probably start to make them a meal occasionally. But, I have to be careful. She just had a bowel obstruction operated on, she's had open heart surgery, and neither of them look good at all. They could well live in an Assisted Living facility .... it would be better for them. Once I talk to them and find out a bit about their eating - what they like, don't like, allergies, etc., I think I might give that a whirl. I hope they will receive it as intended. Sometimes folks reject that kind of help, even though it's well intended.
Thanks so much for all the good suggestions ... you're right on spot with me.
abby

I'm so glad to be of some help. If you have the gift of cooking, then yes, it sounds like an excellent idea to find people who need that.
Something I forgot to put into the post was (and let's face it, it was already WAY too long!): Negative thoughts - I'm an expert on these. You give me any situation and although on the surface I'll be positive, underneath and in my head are all sorts of really negative thoughts and 'what if' situations being churned around. I made up my mind that I was not going to be like that anymore (it's only taken me nearly 60 years to reach this stage......). So, each time a negative thought starts to pop into my head, I immediately say 'STOP', either out loud if I'm on my own, or in my head if I'm in company (no-one wants to be considered weird do they?) . It takes a while to get into the habit but I was determined to start turning my life around and it has honestly made a huge difference, along with all the other suggestions. I feel much more positive (hopefully that WILL continue - heck no, that wasn't positive enough - I KNOW it will continue - see what I did there, using a more positive attitude!) and my Mum seems more relaxed too because I am not so strung out. I much prefer living my life like this than the old me. So all you lovely people out there: my prayer for all of you is that you have the best Christmas you've had for a long time remembering what Christmas is REALLY about, that HE came because HE loves us so much! If HE loves you that much, then you can love yourself too and start living the life you should have. Love to everyone from Wales (UK)! x