Oh my goodness, I do so understand your anger. We all have friends that sail through life don’t we? The perfect childhood, the perfect marriage, the perfect children who have perfect marriages and perfect grandchildren and then the perfect retirement. Why do some have such a life and some have so many problems and so many struggles? We will never know the answer to that but if (like me) you don’t have the perfect anything then we need to find a way to cope with what we do have.
My brother and I were physically abused by our father and beaten for our entire childhood / young adult years. Maybe it is understandable as my father had in turn been physically abused by his father. Years ago, I chose to forgive our father but (even as we both approach our 60’s) my brother still harbours great anger about it. When my daughter was born I knew it was within me to be abusive to her too. She was a difficult baby. I was in a strange country where I knew nobody and she never slept. I was exhausted. I could have been violent at times. However, I chose to break the cycle and not carry on as previous generations had.
My daughter (who is now a single mother) has mental health problems and I choose to spend as much time as I can with my 7 year old grandson to give him respite.
Three years ago my mother (who lived in Spain) came to live with me as she had dementia. I could have put her in a home but I chose to have her living in our house. It is exhausting and depressing dealing with all the problems in my life.
But I have been made to realise that although it may seem like a Hobson’s choice everything that robs me of my independence and patience and sanity has actually been my choice. When I can acknowledge that, I feel much better. When talking to people about my situation, I used to say ‘I had to give up a good job to look after Mum’. Now I say, ‘I gave up work to look after Mum’. It was my choice. It is sometimes hard to see this but it is true.
Also, never underestimate the power of good nutrition to counteract unhealthy moods. Try to make sure you cut right back on sugar and alcohol and all the things that give you a quick high but make the situation worse in the long run. Try to eat healthily and make sure you are getting the right vitamins and minerals. A lack of B vitamins or iron can increase feelings of anger. If you can afford it, find a good nutritionist to advise you.
Learn how to be Kind to YOURSELF. I am still trying to do this! In fact the person who most of my anger is directed at is ME. Making silly mistakes makes me angry. Being frustrated with Mum makes me angry when I know she can’t help her behaviour and I should know better.
Be thankful for the blessings in your life. I know it can be hard when you can only see the negatives but there is always something to be thankful for. Knowing you have a huge pile of ironing to do might make you feel angry HOWEVER there are people who would give anything to be well enough to be able to physically do that ironing. So as you pick up that iron, say thank you that you can actually do it.
Lastly, (if you are still awake after all this!) try this for immediately calming you down. Breathe in deeply to the count of 4. Hold for a count of 7. Breathe out to the count of 8. This immediately puts your body into a more relaxed state. (I use it often, especially when holding on the phone for ages and wanting to reach inside the phone and strangle the person who says repeatedly: ‘your call is important to us and will be answered shortly’!). It is also very good for helping you to sleep. Do it before going to sleep and again if you wake up in the night.
I hope some of the above will be of help to somebody.