Hi Liz ..... it was really good for me to read your post. I'm sure I'm older than you, so there's probably not a really huge comparison. I'm 73, grew up in a very sick home as an only child - every abuse you can imagine ..... my mother's favorite words for me were "you rotten little SOB." Having no siblings, it got deep down and burrowed itself like a mouse in it's little hole..
I've been in therapy for 12 years, and even with as much therapy as that, I continue to feel that I'm worth nothing, not even worth taking up space and using the air we all breath. I'm also on several medications. Pre-therapy and meds. I was just like you ..... but because I had 3 little ones I couldn't sleep during the day, but by 3 PM I dreaded seeing them come home.
I have no family at all, except for my 2 girls and their husbands, and 1 son, and I just 2 years moved here from MD ..... a move I did not want to make, but they hounded me so much I relented. And now these thoughts of unworthiness are creeping in again. Realizing that I'm "next in line" is a scary thing to me, and being alone when it happens just makes the thought worse. The thoughts that go through my mind are "go ahead, you're not worth s__t anyhow ..... just die! I know that's not reality but inside it feels just like it is. This week for instance, I have not seen my girls all week, nor my son (but he lives about 2-1/2 hrs. away) whereas they live a hop, skip, and a jump from me. I've always given the appearance of being strong, "I can handle life" .... but I can't and often don't very well. Why did I move here? I don't know. And, being 73, I know my time isn't endless, and to die here, after falling, terrifies me. I've thought of getting one of those Life Lock things you wear around your neck, but I guess pride has kept me from doing it. I don't look my age, even though the reality is I am. My 3 kids don't want to hear anything about this, or anything about depression, or Bi-Polar, even though it is possibly genetic. When I try to talk to them, they just quickly change the subject and walk away. I feel like I am a big pain in their fannies. I could easily fall here (one of the meds I take puts me off balance, and I do fall at least once a week) I have not, and never will, interfere in their lives, so it's not that they're "sick of hearing it.
But, I'm right there with you friend ..... maybe we both should get one of those Life Locks.
Do take care of yourself, and talk to your Psychiatrist about it. I hate to see a young person go through this horrible train of thought.
I'm here most days so do keep in touch. You've got a lot of friends in that boat you're in.
Blessings,
abby