What is an unsexy, raw reality of a long term marriage/relationship.

Honestly I would think that after being with someone for years and thinking that you know everything about them, whether it’s sudden or over a period of time they become a total stranger to you. The term unsexy would make me think that they possibly have poor hygiene and became offensive in appearance, it’s just one of those things that can happen after being with someone for a long time and no one can really warn you about it because you just don’t know what’s ahead!

@frouke Tempus edax rerum. Time devours everything. A relationship is a thing.

It would not be unreasonable for two entities to diverge somewhat from what is originally intended, and hoped, to be a parallel path, especially after decades of each person pursuing interests that vary in nature, cost, and resourcing. What we should all hope is that the relationship endures notwithstanding the distractions, the pulls, and the diversions. There should be most of what brought the two together in the first place: mutual attraction, similar values, the love of a community in which they grew up (maybe as friends and neighbours), shared schooling, religion, pastimes, a taste for food and hobbies, and finally their progeny if there is any. There are the values, too: loyalty, tolerance, patience, fidelity, promise-keeping, self-improvement, justice, gratitude for favours, beneficence, and non-maleficence (those last seven being the proposed moral duties of adults by the late Scottish philosopher William Ross). And we shouldn't forget the power of love and selflessness. Really, all it takes for a relationship to endure for decades, until death parts the couple, is a desire to ensure the health and happiness of the other. This occasionally requires sacrifice of one's own ambitions, druthers, and desires. Some find they can't do it after all.

There are probably innumerable things about a long-term partner that are objectively unsexy.

It's better to look upon that person and still see who you fell in love with in the first place, even though you know there's self-deception involved.

In other words, turn a blind eye to the unsexy stuff -- and hope your partner does the same for you.

I've known my wife for forty-six years. I still see in her the cute, sexy, feisty, adorable girl I met all those years ago, and I fall in love all over again. I pray to God I'll always see her that way, until my last breath.

What we don't know when we go into a long term relationship is how the other person is going to age. I'm not thinking of how their appearance changes, but how they react to aging. I was married to someone who became bitter, demanding and self centered as she aged. I tried to discuss it with her and she turned it around saying I was selfish and inconsiderate. It wore on me and I started drinking from the moment I got home from work until I went to bed. My father was an alcoholic and I saw myself heading down that same road. Finally I called it quits, both the marriage and the drinking. I am envious of those whose partners embrace the aging process as something natural and keep living and loving. That is sexy!

Look up Jung. We attract our opposite. Our shadow self. (I'm Meatloaf my wife is Johnny Mathis/Barbra S.).
After a while we take on the qualities of the other (enantrodromia), becoming "whole," lighting up our dark side of the moon.
That's called Individuation. We do not seek perfection, an illusion. We seek wholeness, completeness, shalom.

There are two stark realities I can think of. One is obvious: people grow old and die - and unless the two of you are in an unfortunate accident, one of you is going to end up without the other, 100 percent certain. When we get married, we think "this is it, forever", but it's not forever. There will be another chapter in life, eventually.

The other less morbid reality is that people change. They age (often poorly), and they may change as people. Sometimes it's better. I'm definitely a more mature, assured person at 67 than I was at 30. But sometimes it's worse, and your partner might not be the person you married.

It does take work to make sure that the two of you remain committed to being the best partners you can be. I remember many years ago, my friends and I were admiring (discreetly!) a very attractive woman who was walking by, and after she was gone, one of my friends said "somewhere, there's a guy who got tired of that." That really made me think. Saying "I do" is a real commitment, and you don't want to be the one who got "tired" of the other person.

After 53 years, she still doesn't like Meatloaf.🤷‍♂️

@shmerdloff , I think you have a great sense of humour and it doesn’t get much better than that!

@njx58 this post gave me a real belly laugh, in spite of its truth@ Thanks!

@frouke
Thank you. It's a little deeper. Like Pippin, I tried everything. The best I 've come up with is, "...don't take it serious. Life's too mysterious. You work. You sweat. You worry so ...."
This is not some escapist philosophy. Alan Watts says NO ONE can get a leg up on the Universe. Badfinger says there ain't no real perfection. There'll be no perfect day ...."
Why ruin a life with most things we can't do anything about. Major acceptance. Suffering is the differential between what we believe we are entitled to and Reality. My good friend and brilliant judge, Betty Weinberg Ellerin, always said, Sometimes bread cast upon the waters comes back as strawberry shortcake."
We just saw Cabaret. What good's permitting some prophet of doom....? When I go I'm going like Elsie.
(I got just about everything on Connections, except dementia. Yet)🤣