minnie528, there can be numbness in grief. The numbness may be protecting you from the kind of distress that might be physically harmful to you, especially as you are recovering.
I don't think it is in our ken to seek grief or to avoid it. It doesn't always come (or go) as we are given to expect. My own experience is that it takes us and we succumb overwhelming any effort try to control.
Bless your recovery.