hello @sandrajane 🙂
thank you so much, for reaching out and sharing a little about yourself ! i hope it is ok, to ask afew things but of course, i totally understand, if you would not want to give any answers...
it sounds like you may have an idea, where the fear of death has come from but not for sure ?!
i do remember this day so damn clear... ther was no reason for it to happen. it simply took place and i couldnt do anything about it. i had to call an ambulance, as i genuinly thought im having a heart attack. i was so craped and tightened up with fear and panic, i had to have an enjection to relax my body... it was horrific. that was when i was about 19. it never ever left me...
i so feel for you, when you did wrote at the end * i search for relief every day* and that sums it up so perfectly... search for something, what never comes !!
i sometime do refer to it as THE MONSTER, or THE BEAST . it has absolut hold over me... it is so hard to explain to people, what it is like... to make them understand that it just happens, that it just entirely overwhelms you, eats you up, forces itself on you, entire absorbs you, you and your mind are not in charge over yourself anymore. fighting the constant fear, is so damn tirering ! so exhausting ! the effect on every day normal life- constanly pushing and forcing it in...overshadowing EVERYTHING ! is insane stuff really... you are out walking and you cant even take any beauty in... there are thoughts like... wondering about cardiac attacks but what people dont seem to understand is, its not our thoughts wandering off, or us thinking of it. NO, all this crap is coming out of nowhere to us. least this is how it is for me. if i dont PUSH myself every day to fight this, to not give in i think my whole life would have entirely collapsed... it is so unfair on husbands, children, family and friends. they such helpless to, they want to help and cant. we cant even help ourselves...
there are so so many triggers... my head is like a nonestop switched on pinball machine.
unfortunately it has been the same for me to. regarding help. and i totally agree, for someone to understand needs a specialist in this field. i even did try online therapy and had hope, that this could may be the first time, i was going in the right direction... the side is calles IS COMPLICATED and the young woman i was working with was offering

Treatment Approaches
ACT: Acceptance and commitment therapy
Recommended for those who want to stop fighting negative thoughts and learn how to live with more acceptance and focus on what really matters in life.
CBT: Cognitive behavioural therapy
Recommended for those looking for practical support and accountability to change unhelpful thinking and behaviors.
Person-centred approach
Recommended for those looking for a supportive, non-judgmental space where they can lead the conversation and explore their feelings at their own pace.

may you are interested to have a look. but money is always an issue...
thank you also, for mentioning the groups on FB and Reddit- i definitely will look into those ! can you recommend any at all ?
if you would like to write more, it would be great to hear back from you
stay strong and damn fight !!!
T