Should I keep in contact with my daughter in law as she is always putt

A fitting code to operate from.

@zorro12345 A fitting code to operate from.

I’m very fond of a saying, “water seeks it’s own level “, when you think about it, it’s so true.

@gloaming I agree in taking the “high road”. I had a DIL who to this day can’t understand what my son seen in her. We would go to their home she would at times leave and we wouldn’t see her for the duration of the time we were there. It spoke volumes in what we, but more importantly, what he was dealing with. We never said or did anything that would provoke an argument etc, fortunately he divorced her. In hindsight the issue was hers, not ours and for the sake of my son I kept my mouth shut.

@bettybob
I don't know why you can't take her to lunch and tell her you love her like a daughter, which is why you are going to talk to her like one. Also tell her that you want to help her help your son. Then tell her that you feel like she is always putting you down. Ask her if you are reading it wrong.

Maybe lead in with, "i hope i don't seem insecure about this, but I..." or "i hope you forgive me for asking, but I....". Being direct is the best way. She is probably the one who is insecure.

If you dont really love her like a daughter, then it won't matter if she gets insulted, or you can tell her anyway for etiquette sake. We only have one life. Best to know where you stand than fret about something that might all just be in your head and not hers. She mightbe defensive because maybe she thinks you are the one who doesn't like her. She also could just be psychotic.

[FYI choose a place you really like if you need a little emotional support, as if you are sharing a part of yourself. You can small talk about why you like it before you lower the boom...or her favorite place and ask her why (see the world from her eyes)...or what i would do is ask her what place she has always wanted to try so that you can create a new experience together. You can small talk about what she thinks about now that she's there, and then lower the boom. Preferably during the dessert course so that you can either finish quickly and leave if it goes bad or linger over coffee or another wine if it goes well. Also, take separate cars/cab if driving to avoid a potential very awkward ride home. That will take the pressure off of you to play fake nice and not say what you really want to say. A real heart to heart requires being vulnerable and supportive.

Or she might really be a terrible person and soon to be divorced from your family, in which case you can have a deliciously nice lunch watching her squirm.

Have fun. Let us know how it goes!

@deanhobart
"SAGE ADVICE"

It’s hard to comment with so little information including examples of the comments which hurt you.

All I can say is you don’t need to like her (she may not like you either) so it sounds like you may need to tolerate each other for the sake of your son. I wouldn’t make him have to choose because you may not like what he does.

By all means limit contact if needed. But if she is being really offensive I would find a way to call her out calmly on a comment immediately after she makes it by asking her “I’m not sure I heard you correctly. Did you just say X?’ Then depending on what she says ask her what she meant. If she back pedals, great. If she doesn’t and doubles down then you tell her what you understand she said and tell her you find it unkind.

We all have relatives and relatives by marriage we don’t click with. Very hard when it’s your child’s chosen life partner. Even more difficult if they have children who you want to have contact with.

With my uncle and the sort of comments he made I knew it came from a place of him having a chip on his shoulder about his finances. Understanding that, his barbs were water off a ducks back. Didn’t hurt at all. Became quite amusing (I’d only chuckle internally!)

I hope you can find a way to stop your daughter in law’s comments from getting to you without cutting off contact and forcing your son quite possibly to choose her side ❤️‍🩹

@zorro12345 if that is truly one mic for the entire group, that's a phenomenal session. That's the group you would want to see live at a small club. Thanks for posting. I need to check them out.

I had a hard time with my daughter for years ,making mean comments to me that made me want to cry. Finally, on one ocassion I was talking to my son in law and I told him that I knew that she didn't like me, but that I was proud of her. (I am) Everything changed after that. It was her insecurity. Try making a nice comment about her that your son shares with her.

@raebaby I’m so glad things worked out. I also love how you were 100% genuine/authentic when talking to your son. You kept it very simple and didn’t force him to take sides.

You just called a spade a spade - noted that you thought your DIL didn’t like you but that you were genuinely proud of her. No manipulation. No high drama.

Your son loves you both. He knew you were being genuine and non confrontational. He wasn’t offended by your careful way of approaching him and you left him to approach his wife with your genuine praise and without you putting the boot into her.