Connect
Ambiguous Loss
My wife of 51 years began her slide into Dementia over 8 years ago. She just turned 72. After 4 months in a Hospital she was finally placed in a Long-Term Care Facility (for memory impaired), a lock-up where she has been for just over 3 months. She does not remember me, calls me "Mommy" or "Barb" her sister. Occasionally she remembers my name. She shuffles when she walks. She has poor eyesight now. She needs help with bathing, dressing, eating, toileting, basically everything. She cannot form a complete sentence but does come out with words once in a while that I know and understand, mostly though she tries to talk but the words just don't come out as intelligible words. So she's here yet she's not here. She has no joy, no laughter, no memories to share with me or anyone, and I'm not sure if she can feel anything, emotionally or physically. My visits are arduous because we cannot have a conversation. I can't tell her things, share anything with her. She is constantly agitated, anxious , and I fear she is lonely, bored and scared. And there is nothing I can do to assuage her feelings if in fact that is the case. I come home feeling depressed, lonely too. I don't know what future (time here) she has. Nor do I know how to plan my own future. I am 73, reasonably healthy. I have guilt feelings all the time. I feel sorry for her, and me. I watch her in the home and she just behaves as if no one cares, I guess because to her no one does. Or she is just living in her own little world. To me her life is empty and meaningless. I am at a loss. I feel as if my life is on constant hold, frozen in this daily warp of dementia.
Like
Helpful
HugInterested in more discussions like this? Go to the Loss & Grief Support Group.
Connect
Hello @mnitchke Yes, watching a loved one descend further and further into the depths of chronic, irreversible disease is hard to watch. I know it was terribly difficult with my wife for sure. In her case it was not only hard on me, but she was cognizant of each loss she incurred and that was a totally different kind of devastation for me to witness. Tough stuff for sure for you to go through.
It is hard to remember, but when in the throes of dementia our loved ones are changing before our eyes and we are unable to instigate any type of changes in them, no matter how hard we may try and how hard we may wish it to be different.
It is good to hear you are there for your wife and are watching for those things the staff does not always see.
I wish you continued strength, courage, and peace.
You may find help at some support group, when my husband was sick , that’s what helped me.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 ReactionI don’t know if you are checking in here but I just happened on this conversation and am thinking about you particularly because I worked as a nurse in a facility with many residents like your wife. At your wife’s next care conference I hope you can talk about what you have here. I would say this. You do not need to go every day to visit your wife. Give yourself a schedule that allows you to grow a new life for yourself, this life that already to much extent doesn’t include your wife and eventually won’t at all. An every day schedule is too hard. Also, I would think your wife would qualify for Hospice enrollment. There is so much kindness in that program for the one suffering their condition as well as their loved ones. They will support you as you make decisions as to care and comfort. Yes, even when to give antibiotics—appropriate for comfort but not if it is just to prolong life. A bit about you—could you take one of those trips you’d hope to enjoy? Perhaps a tour so you can meet other people. If it seems hard to leave your wife that long, is there a friend or relative who would go to visit her in your stead a few times while you are gone, so you can know that her caregivers and that person have matters well in hand. It would be good to hear how you’re doing.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 Reactions