~ Being Married to a Narcissist ~

parus ...... hon, he only wins IF you let him win. I'm not sure refuting is quite the word I'd use .... maybe a good comeback, or your own opinion or ideas. Small example here. Our son went to Wash. Univ. in St. Louis for Law ...... there was a picnic at my daughter's house and my X walked in with his usual drab green t-shirt with Wash. U. on the front. Well, I happened to wear mine that day too, but mine was bright red! He made the comment that "I never thought you'd wear a bright red shirt ... that's sure a change for you." With that, I looked him right in the eye and, I'm sure with a rather coy look on my face, said, "a lot of things have changed the past few years."
It doesn't sound like much now, but at the time it felt I'd won the lottery! He just stared at me in disbelief that I would actually "talk back" to him! LOVED IT!
abby

OK .... I'm just going to throw this out there, I probably know what you all will say, but I need to hear it. You all know I was divorced 10 years ago after being married for 40 years to a Narcissist. I've been blissfully happy, when I lived in MD, in my own condo, with my church, lots of friends, and I knew my way around. Well, my 3 kids hounded me for 5 years to move down to where they are - VA (my son lives in Alexandria, VA) - they live in the mountains. Finally I relented and moved. This was really tough .... here I was in a new place, no friends, no doctors, no church, no anything, plus the fact that I don't like it. Well, my X and I both have a serious concern about one of our girls and her husband regarding money. I stay out of my kids business totally, but this is getting serious. I've been praying for an opening to gently say something, and I found out my X has too. He's struggling with it .... he is very good at financial things. I just talked to him on the phone about the situation and found myself wishing he'd invite me to go out. OMG! What am I thinking. I know a Narcissist never changes, so why am I once again feeling lured into this trap - which I know it is. I agree, I am lonesome here, only see my girls once a week, and do plan to get a job after the holidays .... that will help. But, what is it that the N has that has this "drawing" feeling? I know what it was like before, and I know who I am now .... not the same person, and he would hate how sassy I've become (no more "good Suzie"). Why do I even think about doing this? I think I really must be off my rocker, or desperate or something.
Input please?
abby

Hi Abby, I moved your message to the discussion you started earlier about narcissism and your history with your family so that members have some of the history. Additionally this notifies the people who were already interacting with you on this subject.

I'm glad that you're talking about feeling the pull back into the narcisist's trap. Consider this the first healthy step to understanding what is happening and that you're in the driver's seat of how to react.

Thanks Colleen .... sure never expected this though.
abby

Hi all ..... I just re-read all the posts I wrote about narcissism, and it really struck me and reminded me of the hell he put me through. I do think that the "wolf in sheep's clothing is back on the prowl. I just need to keep that in mind.
abby

I'm glad it was helpful to re-read your messages, Abby. You surely have come a long way!

@maryliz I had a good doctor/therapist long ago...I can remember the words he spoke to me when I wanted my life to end. These words have remained with me since 1991 when I was 1st diagnosed. "Don't let the bastard's win". There are those of us here who care and also understand. You have worth.

@amberpep These type of people are the true losers. The man I was married to went to work making good money after the divorce, built a new home, drove a new truck, lied to get my children at the final hearing and appeared as Mr. wonderful. Memories are tough. My mother was a narcissist to the end. This is what works for them and in some ways I do pity them.

You are absolutely correct-it is rare for a narcissist to change. You don't deserve to be fooled again. Just my opinion.

Thanks for responding parus .... no, my "real" mind won't .... guess it's just that emptiness and living here that I was feeling vulnerable. If I had not sold my condo in MD, I do think I'd move back there .... I loved it and had lived there for 30 years. But, as they say "no crying over spilled milk." It's sold and that's the end of it. The whole time I was in therapy (and still am, but only every other week at this point) I journaled. I had about 20 full journals .... I have gotten rid of about 8 of them or so, but it would be interesting to read some that are left as a reminder of what was the reality at the time. But, I'm doing too well to take that chance .... it could put me right in the middle of a "pity party" and I sure don't need that. I probably should get rid of them too, one by one. It is sad for them .... we saw what our lives were like and chose (or not) to do something about it; but, they never see, always thinking and acting as though they are "king of the world." Very sad indeed.
abby

Colleen .... thank you so much for your encouraging words. Sometimes I think we need to remind ourselves where we used to be and where we are now. It's a lot of hard, and sometimes painful, work .... but so worth it.
abby