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Abby, I agree 100% with Hazel! If you have something that works - stick with it! I have suffered from clinical depression for many, many years. I have tried several different medications. Some had great results but then stopped working and others had horrible side effects. I have been on my most recent medication for about 8 years. It is working just fine, and I don't want to do anything to mess that up! Really, who cares if you're an "addict" when your life will be miserable without your medication? It isn't like it's heroin or cocaine or some addiction that will ruin your life. Your clonazepam is helping you and is doing you good. I would stay on it. And though all of us on Mayo Connect are suffering with different issues, I believe NONE of us would be better off dead. There is still so much to life, even with my health issues. Please reach out to a suicide help line or a therapist or someone you feel you can trust if you are feeling suicidal. That is such a regretful final solution when there may be other help out there. Don't cut your life short, please. I have been in a psych ward for attempted suicide. I know your desperation and pain. However, there is help and you are not alone. And, don't stop a medication that is working. Doing so will just push you further down that dark spiral. Praying you are feeling better soon. Please keep in touch!
Replies to "Abby, I agree 100% with Hazel! If you have something that works - stick with it!..."
Thank you all for your kind replies. I know,in my head, you're all right ... I think it's just being alone so much, too much time to think, and there has been a lot of upheaval in my life the passed 12 years ...... first 12 years ago I left my husband of 40 years - he has a personality disorder and I could no longer live with the emotional and verbal abuse, I moved in for 2 years with a girlfriend from my church, after 2 years I bought a condo. and was blissfully happy there ....... all the while my kids were hounding me to move closer to them - about 4 hours away ...... I finally relented and moved; I've hated it here for these 2 years, so I now am moving again to a smaller town. It seems like all I do is pack, unpack, pack, unpack. And now this whole thing with my therapist has me very ill at ease. When I had the breakdown, about 5 years ago, a girlfriend took me to the hospital, and they evaluated me for a day. If I was suicidal, I would have been admitted. I actually was on the edge of suicide, but told them no. Then they enrolled me in a 4 week day program from 9 - 3 at the hospital which was a group with folks with all sorts of issues, but we were all there for the same reason .... we needed additional help and we were hanging on the edge. It was a wonderful 4 weeks. That probably sounds crazy, but from the first day we all connected and no two of us were alike ..... there were people on drugs, a man who was gay and had a "wife", a girl who periodically hallucinated, people like me with either cyclothymia or bi-polar. It was a wonderful group of friends.
If I had my choice of anything .... I'd move back to Frederick, rent a condo in the same complex I was in (I sold my other one), keep going to my therapist and psychiatrist, and possibly go back to that group for another 4 weeks. Once you've been in it, you can come back. On top of that, I feel very old, useless, and that there's nothing left for me anymore. So what's the point? I had a knee replacement and revision about 5 years ago, but otherwise, I'm very healthy ...... except for my brain. I just feel like I'm taking up space.
abby
Abby, I had a brain implosion in '05, and after several suicide attempts, I went to a nice facility for survivors of attempts for 2 months. That first visit was the beginning of a difficult journey, guided by a string of therapists. After 18 months without therapy last year, I was able to get back to work with a new therapist, and none too soon, as I was having suicidal thoughts again.
I learned a lot of the basics during my 2 month stay. I really was ignorant about mental health issues, and I guess I'm a slow learner. It's taken me a long time to assimilate what I've been taught, and I have to say that I'm in a much better place than I was 12+ years ago. Healing takes time. After having been clinically depressed for more than 13 years, I'm beginning to think that it's pretty likely a lifelong condition. That would have freaked me out 20 years ago, but I think I'm able to be at peace with it, and I've found that to be freeing.
Be encouraged by the support you receive here. Believe that finishing the race is possible.
Jim
Abby @amberpep
I applaud you for seeking out help it sounds like you took advantage of all of the "helping resources" available.
Teresa
I just wanted to say I agree and that clonazepam may be a good medication for you (promotes GABA in the brain, a Doctor told me) just maybe adjust the dosage as needed with you Doctor. For me, I want to at least cut my dosage sharply (currently 4 mg- 2mg am, 2 mg pm) and look at non-habituating and addictive substances but, at the same time, my Doctor said clonazepam may be a good medication for me. I think all we can do is pray on it, get the best medical doctors we can, and trust our guts! : ) Be well!
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Thanks for the message. Well said!