@judgeret Please don’t blame yourself. You had no idea something like that would happen. If you didn’t hear him that is just a fact but was nothing intentional on your part. You know you would have done anything to prevent it but that wasn’t an option for you. You didn’t cause it and couldn’t have stopped it. I lost the love of my life after 59 years of marriage. The grief is so hard. It’s a sign of how much you loved him. I found some grief support groups helpful and did a lot of reading about grief. People will give advice but no one knows what you are going through unless they have been there. I had no idea until my wife died ten months ago. Please go easy on yourself and find help, even if it is professional help. I know you have many good times to think about from the past, like I do, but your grief is trying to deal with the now, and your brain and body need help now. I wish you the best and will pray you can find support. You’re going through probably the hardest thing a person can go through. God bless.