Hello @janetjordaan , and welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect.
I can hear the desperation in you post!
I can share that I absolutely know that feeling and it absolutely feels like it controls you.
You do not control it, right?
Well I am here to tell you that is a lie!!! You CAN do this.
You just need some tools and your own powerful mind to get you through the worst part.

Have you had a chance to read any of the numerous posts in the Quit Smoking group? Here's a link:
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/smoking-quitting/
Nicotine is a powerfully addictive substance. One of the most powerful. And yet the physical withdrawals are quite mild. It's the psychological part that will drive you mad, crazy mad!

First of all, nobody has to tell you smoking is bad for. We ALL know it is, so going on and on about the negative effects is pointless! And we know it is expensive, so forget about using that to get you to quit.
I boils down to your own powerful mind to get you through the worst.
I smoked for over 42 years.
Every day.
I loved it! But I knew it was not good for me.
I chose my upcoming 60th year of being on the planet to quit. Then as it got closer I was starting to panic. Actually feared it. Wished I never said I wanted to quit. I didn't want to, but I did. Anyway, I quit cold turkey on Jan. 8, 2018 and never smoked again. Now to be honest here, which I always try to be, I prayed for help. And I got some...I ended up getting a bad cold/flu and smoking when you're sick is gross. So I went a day without a cigarette. The next day, still feeling kinda crummy I lit one up, took a puff, it it just wasn't right. So I put it out (planning to save that one for later since I only took one puff. Am I the only one who did that?)
The worst part was the first two weeks for me.
Argh!! But once I made it two days, I shot for three. First week done, I shot for two weeks, first month, another and so on.

One of the best things I did when I was in the worst part of the quitting was read the Allen Carr book Allen Carr's Easy Way to Quit Smoking. It truly saved me from a life of misery.
I was able to learn so much about the psychology behind this hideous addiction and vowed I was stronger than that stupid little stick of tobacco with a filter on top. It was not going to rule my every thought. It was not going to tell me I will never enjoy my life without them.
Lies!! All lies!!
The book, plus I got several bags of red cinnamon candies from the Dollar Store and each time the tremendous urge to smoke came, I popped one in my mouth instead. I also distracted myself during the terrible urges (which last only 5-10 minutes and they go away) by straightening my sock drawer, or my pantry, or the linen closet. Or my shoes...or anything I could do to distract my thoughts and redirect them.

Was I kind to my guy during the worst first two weeks?
No.
But God bless him, he was my biggest supporter. So kind. So forgiving.
No, it was not fun. But oh...the reward of making my first month! I felt so good. More energy. More encouraged then ever that I just might make it!
I did.
I would encourage you to read some of what others share here. What worked for me, may not be the thing that works for you. But this I know...you CAN DO IT, if you really want to.
What is your biggest fear about quitting? What will you be losing by quitting?

@janetjordaan, my best advice is to read @karukgirl's reply to you here: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/comment/1620365/

There's a lot of great information in that post as well as understanding. My biggest take-away is that you do not have to do this alone. You have a better chance of being tobacco- or nicotine-free for life if you have help and if you make a plan.

You might consider making an appointment with tobacco treatment specialist to learn more and to develop a plan so that you can succeed — when you're ready.

Have you tried quitting with the help of a professional?