Hi @parus,
I'm sorry if you found @blindeyepug's message to be anything less than supportive and encouraging. Blindeyepug is a longstanding member of Connect who regularly welcomes and supports new members, especially in the Mental Health group. She likely did not see from your previous posts in other discussion threads that your depression is treatment-resistant. Thank you for adding that explanation.
I assure you that, along with other mentors and members, Blindeyepug's message is one of understanding and support, and not intended to have a superior attitude. That is the limitation of an online community. We cannot use body language and tone of voice to convey our empathy. Therefore, when we read messages, we must use caution in our interpretation of the words. I hope you can accept our words as an embrace of understanding and support. That is what Connect is built on. Respect. Support. Inclusivity.
Hello. I'm new here. You might be able to tell I just took this picture after a panic attack. Couldn't smile without faking it. I've probably had ptsd most of my life. From a very young child, I tried to be the pacemaker between my parents. They fought all the time, verbally and physically. Once, when I was probably about 4 years old, my father was beating my mother on the head or anywhere he could reach and I grabbed him around the ankles to try to stop him. Her just drug me across the floor while still trying to get to her. Another vivid memory is when they were in the basement fighting. I was about 5 then. My mama was screaming my name saying" help me! He's going to kill me!" I remember sitting upstairs listening and trying to figure out what to do. I was crying so hard because I couldn't fix it. My mom came upstairs and said to me "why didn't you help me? I thought he was going to kill me!" I felt so guilty, and still do. I know a 5 year old couldn't have done anything, but that doesn't cancel the emotion. Most of the time when they were fighting, I would get into my small closet with my teddy bear and close the door. I would cry and hug teddy and pet him and tell him everything was going to be OK. Later, when I started school, things still the same at home but got picked on in school because I was so shy. College was ok except for when exams came up. Then I would go into panic mode. Got married to a charming psychopath for 18 years. My mom had a devasting stroke when I was 38. I worked full time but moved with psychopath an hour and a half away to take care of her at home. I felt so sorry for her. Did everything that I knew to do for her until she passed away 6 years later. Took care of my dad for 2 more years until he passed away. More to those stories, but would take to much time. Then about 4 years later my husband committed suicide in front of his parents. He had threatened to kill me that weekend, so was with a friend when it happened. Much, much more to this story, but suffice it to say that I have complex PTSD and my brain is hardwired for the slightest threat. Even if there is no threat at all. I wake up in the middle of the night with panic attacks. Depression, worry, ect. On meds which keep me from going totally crazy. Fortunately, my fight or flight response is always flight. Most days are miserable for me and many are horrible. Have cut, burned myself multiple times during panic attacks because it takes my mind off of the hurt inside. Have been to therapists, psychiatrists. They have helped some, but this will never go away. I pray every day for God to re-wire my brain. Have cirrhosis now from self medicating before I went to a psyciatrist. It's a terrible way to live. Anyone else with complex PTSD?
I have realized the more I started reading the more hopeless I became. What helps or works for one may harm another...my father always called me a lone fox as I much preferred nature and the creatures to hanging out or being sociable...weak-kneed describes me well now as my knees are in bad shape and doing physical therapy after being told to not walk since January and now being told to blah, blah, blah...I am weak in many ways and going through the bureaucratic hoops is part of life. Like so many things-"can't change it, can't fix it". By the time one hits 65 and can no longer physically work there is nothing much else left. I see people and smile and laugh-they all see me as happy, funny, entertaining...zaps my strength to do so and even a trip to the grocery is draining.
If knowledge is power and wisdom I have had my share...I stay safe w/ my paint brushes and now paint what is me and not what others want done for them.
I lived a life of being a people pleasing person and this achieved nothing other than wearing my body done to where it can no longer be a pack mule, work horse or gopher. I am not bitter as I did what I did because I genuinely cared...Took me a long time to realize the world is full of users and abusers. There was a time when someone told me something I believed them. This is no longer true for me. I have learned the hard way and much prefer spending my older years still being kind, but far more cautious. The more I start to hear pretty words the more I distance myself.
Could be worse as once I stopped listening to the perverted therapists and taking drugs prescribed by shrinks that were most seeking perks from drug companies...they never listened and went by what the therapist said...beware those wolves in sheep's clothing I tell myself now.
All of this jibberish comes from reading too much. If someone is wanting to translate this type of thinking into self-pity it is their choice. I personally believe the mental health system is highly over-rated and I am not a negative person so much as a realist as I see how cruel the world has become and always has been. Now there are those with degrees that cannot tell good cow dung from apple butter and surely cannot think outside the box and everyone should fit within the parameters of what they learned from books or the person they are working with is non compliant...my near fatal mistake was being compliant.
@parus There are lots of us survivors, aren't there. Many of us here are still in the process - I think that for me, it will be a process until the end of this life. I'm not as resilient as I'd like to be, so my therapist helps me work on that, as well as various other issues. You're right. There are many things over which we have no control.
@jimhd Oh yes, we do struggle with this continually-or so it seems. I gave up on therapists as the flashbacks of the former therapist who harassed and stalked me for 6 years tainted my attitude. Non productive for me as my attitude towards this profession is not one bit healthy. Totally my issue.
Thank you for the positive input on my drawing. My little grandson has been displaced from his bedroom as well as the playroom more than once. I am struggling severely with this as adults move in and take his space. GRRRRR. Now a baby in his mommy and daddy's bedroom.
@jimhd Oh yes, we do struggle with this continually-or so it seems. I gave up on therapists as the flashbacks of the former therapist who harassed and stalked me for 6 years tainted my attitude. Non productive for me as my attitude towards this profession is not one bit healthy. Totally my issue.
Thank you for the positive input on my drawing. My little grandson has been displaced from his bedroom as well as the playroom more than once. I am struggling severely with this as adults move in and take his space. GRRRRR. Now a baby in his mommy and daddy's bedroom.
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@parus How beautiful! Thank you for sharing with me and our community here!
Ginger
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3 ReactionsHello. I'm new here. You might be able to tell I just took this picture after a panic attack. Couldn't smile without faking it. I've probably had ptsd most of my life. From a very young child, I tried to be the pacemaker between my parents. They fought all the time, verbally and physically. Once, when I was probably about 4 years old, my father was beating my mother on the head or anywhere he could reach and I grabbed him around the ankles to try to stop him. Her just drug me across the floor while still trying to get to her. Another vivid memory is when they were in the basement fighting. I was about 5 then. My mama was screaming my name saying" help me! He's going to kill me!" I remember sitting upstairs listening and trying to figure out what to do. I was crying so hard because I couldn't fix it. My mom came upstairs and said to me "why didn't you help me? I thought he was going to kill me!" I felt so guilty, and still do. I know a 5 year old couldn't have done anything, but that doesn't cancel the emotion. Most of the time when they were fighting, I would get into my small closet with my teddy bear and close the door. I would cry and hug teddy and pet him and tell him everything was going to be OK. Later, when I started school, things still the same at home but got picked on in school because I was so shy. College was ok except for when exams came up. Then I would go into panic mode. Got married to a charming psychopath for 18 years. My mom had a devasting stroke when I was 38. I worked full time but moved with psychopath an hour and a half away to take care of her at home. I felt so sorry for her. Did everything that I knew to do for her until she passed away 6 years later. Took care of my dad for 2 more years until he passed away. More to those stories, but would take to much time. Then about 4 years later my husband committed suicide in front of his parents. He had threatened to kill me that weekend, so was with a friend when it happened. Much, much more to this story, but suffice it to say that I have complex PTSD and my brain is hardwired for the slightest threat. Even if there is no threat at all. I wake up in the middle of the night with panic attacks. Depression, worry, ect. On meds which keep me from going totally crazy. Fortunately, my fight or flight response is always flight. Most days are miserable for me and many are horrible. Have cut, burned myself multiple times during panic attacks because it takes my mind off of the hurt inside. Have been to therapists, psychiatrists. They have helped some, but this will never go away. I pray every day for God to re-wire my brain. Have cirrhosis now from self medicating before I went to a psyciatrist. It's a terrible way to live. Anyone else with complex PTSD?
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1 ReactionBoy, you sound just like me!
You sound just like me!
What a sad story. How can parents be so disconnected from reality and the effects of actions.
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2 Reactions@healthytoday A question I cannot answer and also realizing there is no answer is of no consolation. I am a survivor!!!
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2 Reactions@parus There are lots of us survivors, aren't there. Many of us here are still in the process - I think that for me, it will be a process until the end of this life. I'm not as resilient as I'd like to be, so my therapist helps me work on that, as well as various other issues. You're right. There are many things over which we have no control.
I really like your drawing.
Jim
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1 Reaction@jimhd Oh yes, we do struggle with this continually-or so it seems. I gave up on therapists as the flashbacks of the former therapist who harassed and stalked me for 6 years tainted my attitude. Non productive for me as my attitude towards this profession is not one bit healthy. Totally my issue.
Thank you for the positive input on my drawing. My little grandson has been displaced from his bedroom as well as the playroom more than once. I am struggling severely with this as adults move in and take his space. GRRRRR. Now a baby in his mommy and daddy's bedroom.
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2 Reactions@parus Awww, poor little guy!
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1 Reaction@hopeful33250 Thank you for being supportive.
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2 Reactions