@colleenyoung
One tip to offer: do not suffer in silence. Even though we aren't physically with the caregivers who are struggling, we will still support you as able.

@colleenyoung

Thanks Colleen. My words were scarcely adequate to reflect my appreciation of this group. They have strengthened me at a crucial time. I'll reply fully to your
question about advice to newcomers shortly. For now I'll simply say that newcomers should not expect instant salvation but be patient in selecting prime sources of advice. Tom G. [@pcetng0202]

@colleenyoung

"To love and to labor is the sum of living." -- Anaïs Nin

Caring for a loved one with cognitive deficits can be an honor, a calling, the discharge of a sacred duty. It is a form of lovemaking in its highest, most selfless, form: an opportunity for the lover to be at one with, and thus, at peace with the beloved's desire or more apt needs (in the case of a person with dementia or some other form of cognitive deficit).

Without support and self-care, however, the ongoing demands of caregiving can lead to burnout--chronic emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion.

Signs of burnout include irritability, uncontrolled anger, resentment, bitterness and worst of all numbness--a loss of one's sense of humor and joy in life.

Preventing caregiver burnout requires self-care; and it is important for us to build in little pockets of time for renewal or rest (not just survival breaks) into our daily and weekly schedule.

Along with self-care, the mental well-being of a caregiver requires us to practice self-forgiveness. When we get depleted and are "losing it," that doesn't mean we are failing at our job of caregiving: It's a sign that we are spent, that we have nothing more to give, and that we need to give ourselves a break--time to recharge, or even half a little fun, without feeling guilty.

Put simply way: "Pain is something to master, not to wallow in"; and "The secret of joy is the mastery of pain." -- Anaïs Nin

There are at least three routes to not just survive, but to actually find joy in being a caregiver. In this regard, the insights offered by Peter Kreeft in his book "Making Sense our of Suffering" are useful. As he posits, the first route is to kill the self—or to die to self-will and self-regard by putting God first and submitting to His will.

A second way out of suffering is to reach for Nirvana. As Kreeft stated in his book: "Buddha saw that suffering is created by selfish desire (tanha). If there were no gap between what we desire and what we get, there would be no suffering. Suffering is that gap. ...Buddha tells us to close the gap by desiring less—in fact, by desiring nothing—and that this will lead us to Nirvana, the cessation or extinction of suffering through the cessation of its cause, desire."

And the third route of ending suffering and finding joy as a caregiver is by changing our desires, or as I and others in this Forum have done, by changing our mindsets. For example, instead of seeing the diaper as half full, I rejoice that half empty can be something positive for a change. On a more serious note, instead of indulging negative feelings that deplete our limited energy, we can cultivate empathy by reading the posts or by posting on Mayo Clinic Connect.

George's Wife

P.S.

Thanks, Colleen, for the opportunity to share my thoughts--and for being so selfless in moderating this Forum. (Do you ever sleep?)

It bears repeating: This Forum is our "happy place." "We write to be able to transcend our life, to reach beyond it...to teach ourselves to speak with others, to record the journey into the labyrinth. We write to expand our world when we feel strangled, or constricted, or lonely... When [we] don't write, [we] feel [our] world shrinking... [We] lose [our] fire...." -- Anais Nin