Do most people really want to know how you're Really doing?

For the most part, I view issues about health similar to money. The less said the better. Who ought to know all the sordid details? Me, my wife and I. Parents and siblings get a summary. Friends get a brief glimpse; they don’t really know how bad things were or could be, and I avoid mentioning it when we get together. My goal is to bury my health issues and have them view me as healthy. I don’t want to be stigmatized. Does anyone but my wife know I’m incontinent and wear a clamp and pads? Hell No! Does anyone know I’m impotent? Hell No! If asked how I’m doing…..I’m doing “fine” when I’m honestly doing fine.

FYI: It should come as no surprise I didn’t relate to the Hans article. He seems bitter and far too focused on his illness.

My standard answer is "I'm not dead yet".

I know we all have different philosophies regarding sharing. I tend to overshare, specifically to address the stigma that’s associated with it.

Everyone I know, if they ask and I have the time, gets a complete rundown of my bladder habits, sexual function, and whatever else is or will be going on (I’m fortunate right now in that all I’m dealing with is incontinence and ED).

My feeling is, if I’m hiding it, I’m feeding that Shame Monster. There should be nothing to be embarrassed about in having to wear “protective undergarments” - my niece, who routinely works with older folks in her job as a geriatric studies professor, taught me that phrase: “Don’t say diapers! You’re not a baby!” Gotta love her!

I own it. My family knows, my coworkers know. HR knows. My neighbors know. Hell, my hair stylist knows (and she’s been a rock of support, believe it or not). I’m loud and proud about it.

I'm happy if the doctor seems fully concerned, but he's getting paid for it.
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As we age there are more and more of our friends and relatives who have medical situations they're going through ... and as we go through our own. I have two old friends right now going through it, and one friend's wife too. I'm on this group because I'm curious about his PC, as he was exhibiting side effects of the treatments. We seem to have a balanced view of what he cares to share and what I can stand to know. The other and his wife are both going through other kinds of cancers, actually, and as far as imminent danger and detailed treatments, have far more to say. If they published ten-page summaries daily I might read them, but y'know, there's nothing I could really do about any of it.

All three seem to be handling their situations very bravely, and I hope if and when I'm in similar shoes I can do as well.

So I just try to be supporting, and if they want to talk about it I hope I can be a friendly ear.

@fritzo

For sure Fritzo! I tend not to tell younger folks as it just scares the hell out of them more than anything else. And like you say, if it's family I will. But I always ALWAYS try to spread the positive side of things.

I think the read on it can go a lot of different ways, to pigeonhole it into a single way is ignoring the many different types of personalities.

• Perfunctory response. They say it because it's expected, in their mind, to inquire as to your well being. The answer is often inconsequential or at least they may not want to know the truth.
• Unsure what to say. I think a lot of people are genuinely interested in your well being but just don't know how to ask if you are nearing death using any other language than this.
• Awkward conversation. People who are not normally good at idle conversation might use this as an opener because no matter what you answer leads to a conversation. I think they are genuine in their inquiry.
• I'm your bestest friend of all your friends. These folks seem to hammer you incessantly with the question because they want to be the first to be "in the know" and "by your side" before anyone else. I know a handful of people like this. I'm unsure if they care more about you or being top of the heap.

People are people. Funny thing is that, now 18 months post RARP, I rarely get asked it any longer. It's like they feel if you don't show any visible signs, haven't brought it up yourself or enough time as passed then you are fine, all done.

Truth is that I generally don't want to discuss it with anyone who wasn't part of it from the beginning. If I run into an old friend, I'm not leading with that - and, in fact, I don't mention it at all. "How have you been, I haven't seen you in two years", to which I reply "Ups and downs like everyone, how about you?".

This is my second cancer in 15 years, I feel this summarizes it accurately in both cases so I feel like it might just be how people are - one of those four types.

@turtbean I agree. I don't think anyone should feel pressured to share, but if you feel strong enough to share, you're making it easier for the next person. If enough of us share, some day there will be no stigma around this stuff it all (it will become "normalised", as the sociologists say).

As long as our disease and its symptoms are hidden in the shadows, we're signalling to the world that they're somehow shameful.

@northoftheborder Nothing shaming about having cancer. Even reproductive cancer. Interesting how talking about something that is uncomfortable can lead to shame reduction for either party.

@fritzo Smart move. In most places that would put you near the top of the layoff list. HIPPA prevents your management from knowing much about treatment even if using work insurance to pay for it.

@northoftheborder Yeah, but ED and incontinence are not your normal social party chit-chat. Guess we just need to find the right crowd.