Should I tell my children that I’m having surgery?

I can totally relate to your question/quandary. I too debated this when first diagnosed and preparing for treatment. Even though I opted for Proton radiation, I was hesitant to worry them. Then I recalled how my mother had kept things from her mother and how upset she was after learning about whatever was going on (not serious).
I also recalled that I had promised my two adult children that I would never keep anything of a significant nature from them (or even a simple shoulder surgery). Both were pleased that I shared the news of Prostate Cancer with them and offered their support and love. It was the correct thing to do..... no secrets!

@tootall10 Agreed. Even as a kid, I knew when my parents went in for gallbladder and hernia surgery, and I knew that my grandmother had stage 4 breast cancer.

I have trouble imagining people hiding major health crises from the people they love, but I respect that it's always the patient's choice.

I have always found it difficult to talk about prostate cancer. If the time comes that I have, let's say heart disease, then I think that will be easier to discuss. But with prostate cancer it involves topics like ED and incontinence, or even "what is a prostate". I'd rather not have those discussions with anyone but my spouse and healthcare staff. I respect people that can discuss these intimate topics, but it has been tough for me. It was much easier to share after my surgery was over and even much easier when I was undetectable at 3months. Just how I'm wired.

You’re getting a lot of different opinions about when you should tell your kids.

Prostate cancer surgery is not a big deal compared to many other surgeries. They usually let you go home the next day. In my case in seven days, I was back to work full-time. Most people feel just fine within a couple of weeks.

Some kids have real emotional reactions to things happening to their parents. If you have kids like that, not telling them can allow them to avoid an emotional reaction to something that will really not be a major danger to your health..

Once the surgery is over and the recovery is done. You can discuss the cancer diagnosis with them even the emotional kids. The worry about whether you’re going to live through a surgery is going to be history. Concern about the prostate cancer diagnosis will be worry enough.

I don’t know about you, but I never have talked to my kids about my sex life with my wife before surgery, The same is true about the ED issue, not news you really have to discuss, unless they bring it up. Mine never have. My son lived here until 2020, I was operated on in 2010.

Absolutely...you MUST tell your kids for the following reasons:
1. They deserve to know...you are their father, and they love you. Not telling them would break a trust with them, and possibly distance them from you for the rest of your life.
2. THEY will be your "go to" support...your "rocks" when others may not be there for you. You may be in for a rude awakening with a surgical pathology report that details more serious pathology that your biopsy could not possibly have shown with just 12 core samples vs the entire prostate that will be sliced and diced, mounted on microscope slides, stained, and viewed by the pathologist. I am one such patient: my urologist was happy after my biopsy saying "it is only a Gleason 3 + 4 = 7 (with just 10% of cells being "4")...we caught it early, so you have nothing to worry about." Then the surgical pathology report showed lots more pathology that humbled my urologist, who said: "it seems your cancer is a more pathologically aggressive than I thought it would be."
3. They may need to handle certain things for you while you recover. You aren't going back to work a couple days later. You will have very deep pain and not really "want" or "be able" to do much for the first 1 - 2 weeks, especially with a catheter hanging out of your penis draining your urine. That catheter won't be removed for a minimum of 7 days...usually 10 - 14 days depending on your urologist's practice preferences.
4. You'll be home 1-2 days after surgery, but again, getting around will be tough, especially if you live in a 2-story house (stairs will not be your friend for a couple of weeks). You may need one or both kids to "be there" with you to help you cook, clean the bathroom, change your bed sheets, do your laundry, go to the grocery store after you exhaust the food you stocked up on before surgery, etc. They may need to water your garden, and go out to the mailbox each day to get your mail. "All" of those things we do on a daily basis that you may not think about in terms of needing a little help.
So...again...a BIG "YES"...tell your kids. Good luck...let us know how your surgery went, and which children will arrive to help you out for a week or two.

I told very few people in the beginning. My family are all overseas and there was no useful role for them except to worry. Almost three years later, post-IMRT, just post-ADT, a few more friends know. I told my children and my brother because I have the CHEK-2 anomaly. The remainder of my family still know nothing and my friends are probably 50-50 at this point.

Ignore the "you must" opinions here - only you know what is best for you and for your daughter. I personally found quite a lot of strength in getting through the lows of this disease privately but you do you. Also, you don't have to never tell her: you could chose a point in your recovery when you have some positive news. Good luck.

I told (and will tell anyone who expresses an interest) everybody. I told my family, my wife’s family, friends, my coworkers, neighbors, anyone and everyone.

The main reason was that I wanted to do everything I could to get rid of this cloud of shame that hangs over prostate cancer - “Oh, I can’t talk about peeing myself! No one wants to know I’m wearing Depends! I’m ashamed that I can’t get an erection anymore! SHHHHHH!!! Don’t tell anyone!”

Uh-uh. We need to be able to talk about ED and incontinence and hot flashes and low testosterone the same way we talk about breaking an arm or having a gall bladder removed. No one feels any shame about getting heart surgery (hell, a lot of people brag about it - “Yessir, I had a quadruple upside-down inside-out heart bypass! The doc said he never saw one as bad as mine, haha!”) - that’s how the world needs to feel about prostate cancer (and colorectal cancer, etc). Just because it’s “down there” doesn’t mean it should be hidden away in shame, so I was determined to be as open and honest as possible, especially if asked.

My family are very secretive. I mentioned my mom going through some major health issues, including cancer, completely under the noses of her family - no one knew but Dad. My siblings are not quite as bad, but pretty close (I just found out last week that my brother has been treated for diabetes for the last seven years).

My wife’s family? Forget about it. If one of them farts, they all know within 30 seconds, and they’re spread all over the country. My family all live right on top of each other.

I told my wife on the way back from being diagnosed, “I know you’re going to need to talk to more than just me to get through this, so tell whomever you want whatever you want - no restrictions if it helps you.”

That meant there was no point in hiding anything from any of them, and I’ve had discussions with my SIL’s, nieces, and nephews (and their spouses/partners) on that side about erections, peeing habits, penis length, bowel movements, and dry orgasms (“That sounds like a good thing!” said one niece-in-law. Lol).

Not only has it helped my wife in coming to terms with everything, it’s helped them because they know they don’t need to walk on eggshells around me or talk in guarded whispers - everything’s out in the open.

It’s also helped me, too. Two of my nieces stepped up in the early days and did research on treatments to validate my decision - one was a professional university researcher before becoming a stay-at-home mom, and the other is a university professor in Geriatrics, so she deals a lot with diseases of older people, including PCa, so they were both instrumental in making me feel like I’d made the right decision for me.

You know that old saying when you’re intimidated by a challenge? You might say, “I can get through this,” and the challenging thing says, “Yeah? You and what army?” - well, my family and loved ones and my care team…they’re my army! I couldn’t get through this without them.

One additional, more ominous reason that you need to tell your children, that I didn't mention in my offering yesterday: Surgeons, hospitals, staff, and your body are not perfect and fool-proof. Anyone entering a surgical suite has a small percent-probability of dying on the table from something unseen/unknown: heart attack, stroke, anesthesia problem (why they pay the highest medical malpractice insurance premiums of any/all types of physicians). You DO NOT WANT youR children to receive a phone call that you "passed away while undergoing prostate cancer surgery." They'll be emotionally destroyed not only from your unexpected death, but from the fact that you did not tell them of your cancer and the planned surgery. I have heard many times when people say: "Oh..I am not telling them...I don't want them to worry about me." That is about the dumbest and most selfish thing someone can do to family who would suffer that inexplicable loss forever. TELL YOUR CHILDREN.

I told pretty much everybody I knew and some that I didn’t know. I kind of started to treat it like a public service announcement, and encouraged all guys I came in contact with to get PSA testing. Three guys have since tested positive for prostate cancer and have all told me they got tested because of my story. I’m a pretty open guy and everybody is different, but what I found really encouraging was how much people cared. Most people don’t want to get into the details about ED and incontinence (most have no idea that is a issue) but anybody who has had prostate cancer now feels like they have someone they can talk to.

A month ago, I wouldn't have commented on this. But since then, I lost my best friend of 45 years when he never made it out of a routine surgery. He didn't have prostate cancer; he was just having a hernia repair but had an aneurysm on the operating table and they lost him. His family expected him home the next day. Instead, they were planning his funeral. I highly recommend letting your kids and close family know you are going under the knife. Every phone call might be the last. I am sorry to sound so alarming, but nothing is guaranteed.