@momica,

I hear your frustration and think I can understand how you feel. My husband has been dealing with esophageal cancer since 2018. In the beginning, my head was spinning and when friends and family tried to help, I pretended I could do it all by myself but to sustain that energy was nearly impossible. I knew I needed help around the house, yard work, cutting the lawn, doing little repairs around the house, things my husband always took care of. We have 2 sons in their 30s. Our oldest lives about 5 mins away and our younger son is in Boston about 90 mins from us. My oldest helps with the physical stuff with the yard and house. My youngest is more of a moral support voice on the phone, with trips here when he can. My husband is in remission now after a recurrence and is doing well but still not back to his usual self. He will not ask for help from anyone, including my son who wants to do whatever he needs.
I think making a list of what your biggest needs are (at least the most pressing ones) might be a good place to start. Tell your children you've got a list of specific things that need to get done. I'm hopeful with time, you'll be able to really take inventory of what would make your life a little easier and ask for help with those specific things that are most important to you.
And when you're feeling especially down and anxious, remember you are truly the glue holding things together. You can't do it alone.
Many good thoughts and prayers coming your way.
Lynn

@momica Lists help too!
Maybe you can sit down with a friend and make four lists:
Immediate
Short term
Long term
Comments that hurt me
Then prioritize each list, and arrange a new chat with your kids. That way, next time they come, they will know what you want done THAT DAY. After a few tasks, you can sit and talk about what is next. It is up to you how, or whether, you share the list of comments that hurt you.