Wow Shelley, I can say I understand because I am stage four also I’m fighting the same demons you are and it is impossible to completely express someone else what this disease does to us mentally physically spiritually. All I can say to you is that yes, I am listening, I hear you, I can see you , my heart breaks for you. Been so long since I have let myself cry. Your words and the images that they invoke just bring me to tears. I will be starting my last bucket list trip to Portland, Oregon to start my screening for death with dignity option. I have to do it now while I still have some energy to do it.. my nightmare would be laying in a hospital bed just waiting to die. While my organs start failing one by one. I will try and live as long as I can, but when it gets too much, I will have that option. That of in itself brings me a little comfort. I hate to end this post with all doom and gloom, but we are all tasked with the process of dying. How we do it is different for all of us. Just live minute to minute day to day or whatever you can manage at any given time. Your brother in arms. David.