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@lisalucier Thankyou for your reply and for moving my post.
I’m not sure. Sometimes I think the only reason I’m not dead is because I can’t think of a way to end my life painlessly and with 99% chance of success.
There have been times when I’m driving that I’ve pulled over because I was terrified I would deliberately crash. But even though the urge was there and strong, there was still a voice in my head saying “What if you survive? You can’t afford a new car. It would be so embarrassing. What if you ended up disabled?”
I definitely have thoughts of suicide and suicidal urges.
I definitely self harm.
But is it really a suicide attempt when I self harm and it hurts too much for me too cut deeper? When I know the chances are I won’t be able to do it? When part of me is hoping someone will find me? When I’m screaming in my head for some kind of escape from this pain?
This question has been bothering me for a while. Then today I had an appointment with a psychiatrist that my doctor referred me to, for review. I didn’t like the psych as he was quite abrupt and I felt was rude. He said that what I did was not a suicide attempt and I should not use the word suicide. That if I’d really wanted to commit suicide I would have cut my throat or jumped off a bridge.
His instant reaction and reply shocked me, and to be honest, made me feel guilty, humiliated and ashamed.
Replies to "@lisalucier Thankyou for your reply and for moving my post. I’m not sure. Sometimes I think..."
@mia001- I can feel your pain screaming through your writing. I don't really think that you want to kill yourself, I think that you are crying out for help, and have been for while. a long time ago my twin sister's daughter came to live with me. She self-harmed too. She told me that it was because physical pain took away the mental pain. She had every reason to be in emotional pain. Thankfully my husband and I found a wonderful therapist. Do you know what has traumatized you for so long? From my own experience it sometimes takes awhile to find therapist who just clicks with you. I believe that you need to find another one. Please seek out new therapist as soon as possible. Please don't give up trying to get help, because no one here will.
@mia001 hi Mia, I read your posts and was so moved by your pain. I have no experience with self harm (well maybe I do- overeating) but I have been in mental pain with suicidal depression. Please don’t crash your car! You are too valuable! I am struggling to write this and make sure I say the right things. The bottom line is that we care and don’t want you to self harm. Please find another psychiatrist!.....Karen
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I really urge you to call a crisis line for help when you are feeling suicidal. Your local county has a crisis line or lines for life is good. I understand uou are in deep pain and it seems the hest way out id suicide. I have had several suicide attempts. I understand your thinking "what if it doesnt work". I have a defibrillator so it would shock me. Nothing lasts forever and pain and depression can get better. You need to find another pyschiatrist. Please reach out to a crisis line for help.