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Hi, @mia001,
Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. You may notice that I moved your discussion and combined it with an existing discussion titled, "Selfharm." I did this so your message would be seen by all of the members who've discussed experiences with self-harm here previously. If you are replying by email, click on VIEW & REPLY to be brought to the new location of your post and to read through some of the messages shared by other members.
With self-harming for a long time, I can imagine you have endured much emotional pain. I'd like to request that some other members I referred to who've been involved in this conversation would return to address your questions about whether you were cutting in a way that could cause bleeding out because you were wanting to be found or attention seeking, or if you were just suicidal. Please meet @parus @rlinstrot @georgette12 @ryman. @hopeful33250 and @gingerw may also have some input for you.
What is your thought on whether your cutting was truly suicidal, or something else, @mia001?
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@lisalucier Thankyou for your reply and for moving my post.
I’m not sure. Sometimes I think the only reason I’m not dead is because I can’t think of a way to end my life painlessly and with 99% chance of success.
There have been times when I’m driving that I’ve pulled over because I was terrified I would deliberately crash. But even though the urge was there and strong, there was still a voice in my head saying “What if you survive? You can’t afford a new car. It would be so embarrassing. What if you ended up disabled?”
I definitely have thoughts of suicide and suicidal urges.
I definitely self harm.
But is it really a suicide attempt when I self harm and it hurts too much for me too cut deeper? When I know the chances are I won’t be able to do it? When part of me is hoping someone will find me? When I’m screaming in my head for some kind of escape from this pain?
This question has been bothering me for a while. Then today I had an appointment with a psychiatrist that my doctor referred me to, for review. I didn’t like the psych as he was quite abrupt and I felt was rude. He said that what I did was not a suicide attempt and I should not use the word suicide. That if I’d really wanted to commit suicide I would have cut my throat or jumped off a bridge.
His instant reaction and reply shocked me, and to be honest, made me feel guilty, humiliated and ashamed.