Greetings friends .... oh my, after a 40 year marriage to a man with NPD, I could write a book, but I've got so many I've purchased through those hellish years that I couldn't add to them. I was married at 21 ..... way too young for a young woman who was raised an only child, in a family of alcoholics, abused in every form and spent my Fri. and Sat. nights in bars from the time I first remember. I won't go into what happened there. Basically my life consisted of hiding out so I wouldn't get hurt. Then I met my soon-to-be husband ...... knew all the right words to make me feel good about myself. 5 years later we were married. When I worked and put him through school things were good ..... I loved my job. Then we began to have children after he graduated and got a job down near D.C. That changed everything. No question he was a good Dad, and still is (but always with a critical edge), but to me I was just a cook, housekeeper, sexual partner ..... sort of a French maid. I'd always hear things like "pinhead" when he didn't like my hair cut, "don't you think you should do your excerises?" (This was right after our babies were born); why were you out so late? I worked at our church on staff and oversaw the Weds. night Pioneer Club .... so when I came home it was about 10:30 .... the garage door opening "woke him up" ..... I went into therapy and my doctor told me, after a few years, that if I didn't get out of that abusive home (kids all grown by this time) he would have to admit me to Brooklane .... a local private Psychiatric Hospital. That did it ...... I was out in 2 days. He would not go to therapy, and when I finally convinced him to try it, the doctor asked us each to say several good qualities each of us had. I had no problems with that because despite all the "N" characteristics, he was a good Dad, good provider, hard worker, etc. When it came to his turn, he thought awhile and all he could say was, "she's a good mother." Nothing else. With that I got up and walked out and went to my lawyer the next day. I spent 40 years giving my all to him and raising our kids, and now here I am ...... headed for a low-income apartment. I don't really mind that at all. People are people everywhere you go and I make friends pretty easily. He's still his old "N" self, busy every day to keep his face out there, and is just involved in everything he possibly could be. He's running away from himself instead of facing himself honestly.
N's are "tough nuts to crack" as my Psychiatrist told me (he Rx's the meds.), and he rarely sees them change. I didn't recognize the abuse when I was in it because that's how I grew up .... I was prime for that.
Read, read, read everything you can about Narcissism ..... if you need suggestions, I've got plenty. You do not need to be treated like a low-class citizen .... you are worth more than that, even though I know you don't believe that now. Get help and claw your way out of this mire of destruction.
abby