Don’t ask how I am, if you don’t really want to know.

@leeleip thank you

@jc8
Same here! I have been caring for my 94 year old dad in my husband and I’s home for 5 1/2 years now (and “did” for both parents while they were in their home and dad could no longer drive, for about three years before that). It was hard coming to the same conclusion that you did. That “fine” should be my response. I found it really hard to be selectively transparent anyway, feeling like I was not honoring my dad’s privacy if I told of specific care aspects I found mind blowingly challenging. So then to confide even in more general terms about the stress and having it met with looks of almost reproach as though I was being petty, or having silly solutions posed that did not respect my dads faculties, was even more isolating. The dynamics and challenges are so hard for other people to relate to. And if you speak out your frustrations and sound like you are complaining (does anyone really like cleaning up poop? Etc), then even close friends can seem to think you are being petty, etc. I have found it easier to pay a therapist once a month and just respond “fine” to other people. Most friends are now a voice on the phone now anyway, as it is hard to make and keep plans. I have a wonderful husband who is patient and loving though—so I am blessed!

@babbsjoy reading that felt like you were inside my head! The existence of a caregiver can be so isolating at times. I guess I was just hoping for a genuine connection from a friend of over 45 years. Sadly, not happening. I’m looking for a good therapist.
Thank you…

I empathize with this 100%. I am 55 and am my 59 year old husband's carepartner. He has Lewy Body dementia as well as cirrhosis. I also work a full time job, and the people at work are about my only "social" interactions. I'm either at work or at home. I have to be somewhat guarded as far as how much info I let out, as I am the head of my department. People ask all the time, how ya doing? How's your husband? Most of the time I am doing all I can do to not run away, from work, from home, so I struggle with the option of whether to truly answer the question, or do I just saw-fine-he's ok.... I know they are being kind, and likely don't want to hear about it all. No one knows what to say when I tell them all of the harsh realities. And I get that, I've been that person before, but I feel like I always have genuinely listened to people, because if they are actually opening up, it is because they need to. And they aren't necessarily looking for a reply, or advice, they just need to sound off to someone besides the cat or the dog. This is a hard life-everyone here, on this forum is aware of this. I have felt like I am on an island so often. Even my brother, my only family left, and he is my rock-doesn't know what to say. He listens, but I know he is like-holy shit, what do I say. This is the first time I have looked into a support group, so it is my first time posting. I'm not much of a social person, don't have time to be, but maybe we can all be here for each other? We can all sound off and say it like it is, no matter what we are feeling. I have felt so many emotions that make me feel guilty, sad, desperate, hopeless, like life is over. And I feel bad for feeling like that. I feel like I shouldn't be focusing on what I feel, it isn't about me, stop being selfish..... Anyway-I started this off wanting to say that I 100% empathize with your feelings.

Don't you wish you had $1 for everytime someone asked you how hubby is doing or how you are doing? Wow! We'd be rich! What I now say is "it's challenging" or "everyday is a challenge". It usually stops people in their tracks especially those who really don't care. I look folks directly in the eye when I say it. It makes me feel better as I am not fine. Hugs to all!

@leeleip I know some of what you are going through in several different ways. My maternal grandmother gradually became more and more dependent on my parents as her dementia progressed. I come from a Christian family. My mom was an only child, and all of my grandmother's care fell on my parents. My father was as much of an angel as my mother. There was nothing either one of them would not do for my grandmother. My parents did get some reprieve, in that my sister and myself were going to college, but could assist when available. I can not imagine doing all that my parents did, if I had to do it alone. When my mother succumbed to breast cancer that had metastasized, my husband and I moved in to help take care of her, as my father had already passed. It was something that was a blessing and a curse. Pain and curse for mom, blessing to be there for her. The interesting thing I found, was my friends in college that came to our house to see my parents in action, spoke often after my grandmother died, of how caring and loving they both were. They were a wonderful testimony. I know you need a caring person to talk to. Totally understandable. I just want you to see there may be people who are not speaking up who privately acknowledge your faithfulness. I now have lung cancer and my only son is extremely mad at me. He saw what it takes to care for a terminally ill person. I'm not at that stage, but I understand his feelings. It still hurts. I have been listening to an e-book regarding how awesome God is, and the pastor was quoting scripture on the tongue...how it can be used to bless or curse. As someone else already mentioned, ignore those who speak in ignorance. I would gladly continue a dialog with you whenever you might need to be heard. Anytime. 💕

@leeleip I just saw this post...friend of over 45 years...SMH. I can see why you thought you would get more empathy.

@nannybb yes. We met when we were just teenagers. I am God Mother to her daughter. It still stings when I think about it.

@leeleip Part of the hurt is disbelief, and the other part is probably knowing you would not have treated HER that way. When I moved back to my home state from Fl. I looked up my best friend from high school. She pretty much cut me off when I told her at a lunch date my brother had recently, (at the time) committed suicide. I was flabbergasted. She is a nurse. You just never really know someone until you need them I guess. I'm pretty much past trying to figure people out.

@sporkandromi welcome and I think you've made a good choice regarding where you can go to get support and information. I wish you the best and I hope your journey continues to get better and easier with each passing day.