@elainer12
You obviously have some feelings for your husband because you care enough not to unearth your motive for marrying him due to the hurt it would cause. Does his anger stem from, perhaps, already knowing your hidden feelings? Your children probably felt this tension throughout their lives. They need to understand that loving relationships and partnerships do exist. They need to feel love from both you and your husband. As a Christian, I turn my life and worries over to God through prayer. I believe that you must try to forgive and love yourself, before you can do the same with others. Would your family members be willing to seek guidance from your spiritual leader (Rabbi or other)? I agree that it will take time to heal and will entail some hard work. Would it not be worth it to end up with a family that becomes cohesive, understanding, and hopefully caring again? There are ways to atone for your actions. Seeking assistance is the first courageous step in moving forward. Be prepared that some may not be open to or embrace your atonement attempts. Respect their options. At least they know you tried.
I wish you heartfelt luck in this journey.