@elainer12 In my life I have sought--and received--counsel from a rabbi even if I was not part of that congregation. In my experience, almost any rabbi will counsel anyone in need (a friend of mine who is Catholic spoke several times with a rabbi she trusted to resolve a problem).

@elainer12 "Does this mean that God will not forgive me?"

If that's so, Hell must be very crowded and Heaven empty.

Besides, the road to Hell may be paved, but that doesn't mean you're on it.
And if you are, you don't have to stay on it.
Worst of all is to create your own personal Hell and take up permanent residence.

Step back, take a deep breath, and stop tormenting yourself. As I say in my video, if friends of yours did what you did, would you forgive them? The answer is probably yes. So why them and not yourself?

@elainer12 Perhaps you could approach this rabbi and ask him for a referral to someone you could talk to or zoom with? You needn't reveal the nature of your issue, nor that you suspect he may not be able to separate himself and his closeness with your husband's side of the family from your needs for him to be both circumspect and respectful...but if he just acts in good will and gives you a couple of names of potential allies/confidants, then you're ahead.

Is there no 'help line' established by the rabbinate where you live that is published and that serves people with your very circumstances?